I have just tried Four Loko. I have tasted the devil drink, the great poison that has spread through the very veins of America's youth and spurred her lawmakers to decisive action. I wouldn't call myself drunk, so much. I feel off. Or maybe on. There is a pressure behind my eyes. I'm excited, but I'm not sure about what.
The stimulant-laced alcoholic beverage has been making headlines for weeks now for its ability to get kids really drunk without them necessarily knowing it. One torpedo-like 23.5-ounce can contains five to six beers worth of alcohol. But now, the party drink is sure to become an even hotter commodity before it disappears. Responding to threats from federal lawmakers, maker Phusion Projects announced that it is pulling the caffeine, guarana, and taurine—three of the eponymous "lokos," the fourth being alcohol—from its drinks.
Last night, I got a can before Four Loko went extinct.
My Four Loko of choice was lemonade, reminiscent of lemon rinds rubbed in aluminum with a strong aftertaste of vomit. (Taurine is also found in bile.) Yeah, it's gross. Of course it's gross. Telling a consumer that Four Loko is gross would be like be coming to my brother the time I found him and his friend Josh lighting their chest hair on fire in their kitchen and saying "Hey! That's hot!"