My boyfriend and I are in our early 20s, and we recently moved in together after being in a long-distance relationship for four years. I've always known that he battles depression and has mild Asperger’s. Recently, his depression has gotten much worse, and because this is the first time he has gotten very depressed since we’ve been physically together, I have no idea what I’m doing. It is like I’m walking on eggshells every time we speak, and if I say the wrong thing, he just shuts down. I can’t push him for information or try to get him to help me with something around the house. I can barely get a normal conversation. I feel so alone.
I love him very much, and I plan to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don’t know how to live feeling like the floor could come out from under me at any time. He is trying to get help, but he refuses to go on any medications or stick with a plan to get better for very long. I am so scared that this is going to always be his life—a constant roller-coaster ride controlled by depression. I want so much more for him, and for us.
When he is not in the throes of depression, my boyfriend is hilarious, loving, and really fun. I feel like I may have taken that away from him by moving him away from his home. I’m scared that one day he will come to the same conclusion and leave me to go back home. For four years, we lived only an hour or two apart; then I got a job out of state, and he was so supportive of the idea that he told me I had to go, and even decided to come with me—leaving his family, friends, and comfort zone behind. Every time I ask him whether he wishes he had never left, he tells me, “I came here to be with you, and I won’t go back home until you’re ready.” This puts a huge amount of pressure on me. I love my job, and it’s a wonderful opportunity for me, but I love him so much more than this job. I am torn between wanting to go home to make him happy and being worried that I might resent him for making me leave these opportunities behind.