In the spirit of a holiday when people, in claustrophobic proximity to their loved ones, feel compelled to take stronger-than-usual positions on issues of even minuscule import, I have a conclusion to share: The correct time to eat Thanksgiving dinner is 4 p.m.
There are many obvious reasons why this is the case. Start with the turkey. It needs about four hours in the oven (give or take, depending on the size). It also needs to be prepped before it can go in, and then should rest for about a half hour afterward before being carved.
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Let’s say this process, from raw bird to neat slices, takes about five hours (and that is if everything goes exactly to plan). If Thanksgiving dinner is to take place at 2 p.m., as many incorrect people have suggested, cooking must commence at 9 a.m. Does that sound like an unhurried, cozy holiday morning? No. It sounds like a workday.
Furthermore, anticipation is a key part of the Thanksgiving Day emotional arc. Two p.m. is underdeveloped, premature—a mealtime selected by someone who has not yet learned to delay gratification. And besides, what does one do after wrapping up the meal at three or four? A nap, yes. Leftovers, yes. But that leaves a Hunter S. Thompson–esque haze of unfilled time in which overstuffed, possibly tipsy diners wander without purpose, probably asking one another overly nosy questions, counting down the minutes till bedtime.