I’ve Never Watched Game of Thrones. But Here’s What I Know

Goodbye, dragon show.


Hello. I’m a person who has never watched Game of Thrones. You’re a person who has watched every episode. Here is what I have learned about you through the cultural osmosis of seeing random tweets and eavesdropping on writers at The Atlantic.

You are obsessed with a show about dragons and sex. (I mean, fair.) You have memorized a very impressive roster of names with extra vowels in them that make them sound old-timey. You believe the show is either gorgeously shot or impossible to see because it is always nighttime in Westover. You are still traumatized by the Red Wedding, which was basically Kill Bill but in the Middle Ages. You have strong opinions about a person named John Snow, who is played by Peter Dinklage. You have equally strong views about a woman who is BFFs with a bunch of dragons and some other woman who just died. One of them is named Dionysus. (Love triangle with Snow, probably.) Wait—is one of these women an elf?

Actually, I have a few more questions for you. Are there monsters other than dragons on this show? There’s at least some sort of ice king, right? Is Tilda Swinton winning the war? Is she always wearing fur coats and pouring dragon blood into goblets? What ever happened to the child king you all used to talk about? Was he eaten by a dragon? Do the dragons eat the elf-people or just breathe fire on them? When you refer to “zombies” and “pirates,” are you being literal or metaphorical? Is it permanently winter on Game of Thrones? Is that why his name is John Snow? Are there mermaids involved? Is there any time travel? (If not, why not?)

The main thing I know is they all drink Starbucks and either sleep with or murder each other (or both). The dragons are extremely dangerous, and this either excites or upsets you, depending on which house you root for. (Is John Snow a Gryffindor?) By the way, the “game” in Game of Thrones is like the Triwizard Tournament but sexier and way more violent. It seems dragons killed absolutely everyone on the show last week, which leads me to wonder what the final episode will even be about.

Is the main cliff-hanger the question of whether John Snow gets to be the king? Because you clearly have strong feelings about that. You’re also now an expert on nuclear proliferation and on the rise and fall of monarchies, so maybe the finale will be something more allegorical. I know, I know, you totally read the books and think they’re infinitely better. Which is probably why you keep saying you’re so over this ridiculous tale—but you still can’t believe it’s ending.