Arguments are time-honored guests at the American Thanksgiving table. But when fights get explicitly political, very often things won’t end well—this year, in particular.
Here, then, are some pleasantly apolitical alternatives: arguments (presented here, for controversy’s sake, as incontrovertible declarations of truth) that will help to ensure Thanksgiving discussions that come with maximal amounts of liveliness—and minimal amounts of existential despair.
Pie is better than cake.
Pecan pie is better than pumpkin.
Apple pie is better than pecan.
Pie is only acceptable when it is served à la mode or with whipped cream.
Cool-Whip does not count as whipped cream.
Canned cranberry sauce—the blobby, gelatinous kind that magically keeps the form of the can—is much, much better than fresh.
100 duck-sized horses, obviously.
It would be better to have an unlimited budget to travel the world than an unlimited budget to build a dream house.
It should be as acceptable to order a martini on a weekend midday meal as it is to order a Bloody Mary.
“Brunch” is a terrible word.
“Moist” is even worse.
Red wine is better than white.
Beer is better than wine.
Whiskey is better than beer.
“Read receipt” is pronounced “REED reh-seet.”