Apolitical Arguments for the Thanksgiving Table

Want to fight with your family this holiday … but want also to avoid any and all talk of the recent election? Here you go.

Apple is totally better: Discuss. (Josie Grant / Shutterstock)

Arguments are time-honored guests at the American Thanksgiving table. But when fights get explicitly political, very often things won’t end well—this year, in particular.

Here, then, are some pleasantly apolitical alternatives: arguments (presented here, for controversy’s sake, as incontrovertible declarations of truth) that will help to ensure Thanksgiving discussions that come with maximal amounts of liveliness—and minimal amounts of existential despair.

Pie is better than cake.

Pecan pie is better than pumpkin.

Apple pie is better than pecan.

Pie is only acceptable when it is served à la mode or with whipped cream.

Cool-Whip does not count as whipped cream.

Canned cranberry sauce—the blobby, gelatinous kind that magically keeps the form of the can—is much, much better than fresh.

100 duck-sized horses, obviously.

It would be better to have an unlimited budget to travel the world than an unlimited budget to build a dream house.

It should be as acceptable to order a martini on a weekend midday meal as it is to order a Bloody Mary.

“Brunch” is a terrible word.

“Moist” is even worse.

Red wine is better than white.

Beer is better than wine.

Whiskey is better than beer.

“Read receipt” is pronounced “REED reh-seet.”

“Gif” is pronounced “jif.”

“Gyro” is pronounced “YEE-roh.”

Macaroni and cheese should have a privileged place upon the Thanksgiving table.

Macaroni and cheese is only good when it includes bread crumbs.

Plain cheese pizza is the best pizza.

Cold pizza is not actually pizza.

Cold pizza is wonderful as its own foodstuff.

Tom Brady totally knew.

Fall is better than winter.

Winter is better than summer.

Spring is better than absolutely everything.

Wealth is more important than fame.

Love is more important than wealth.

Hot dogs are best when consumed with ketchup, mustard, and nothing else.

Ketchup is better than mustard.

Sriracha is better than ketchup.

Dogs are better than cats.

Mannequinning is better than planking.

Frappuccinos are better than coffee.

Mint chip is better than chocolate chip.

Milk chocolate is better than dark.

Hot dogs are sandwiches. (No, they’re not).

Quesadillas are sandwiches.

Burritos are wraps.

Wraps are nonsense.

Bond is better than Bourne.

Star Wars is better than Star Trek.

Crushed ice is better than cubed.

Sausage is better than bacon.

Link sausage is better than patty.

Fried eggs are better than scrambled.

Poached eggs are better than fried.

Hash browns are better than home fries.

French fries are better than hash browns.

“Steak fries” are just lazy.

Thanksgiving is the best holiday.

Actually, Arbor Day is the best holiday.

There is no place for the word “actually” in contemporary civic discourse.

Ghosting is better than a drawn-out goodbye.