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Today in celebrity gossip: Miley Cyrus wore ice cream cone-shaped pasties in mixed company, plus Edie Falco's bike was stolen, and two more items that are probably too sad to mention in this column.

We all know how it goes on laundry day. We've been up since dawn gathering together our soiled linens, simply intoxicated with the ambition to finally, finally clean our filthy theatrical wardrobes. Yet, a conundrum! How can we wash all our clothes if we're still wearing some of them? Solution: Improvise. Sometimes this entails wearing unpleasant, ill-fitting, or straight-up inappropriate clothing to the laundromat. You know? We do what we must, propriety be damned. In unrelated news, Miley Cyrus recently attended a party dressed in long pants (like a man would wear!) and instead of a blouse or slip or proper brassiere? Ice cream cone-shaped pasties. It feels weird actually typing out a sentence so obvious, but there it is. Anyway, according to Us Weekly, Cyrus wore these aforementioned ice cream cone-shaped pasties "to Alexander Wang's New York Fashion Week afterparty." Don't believe me, ask the dishes:

As someone who attended cotillion in middle school, I can confirm that Miley Cyrus was NOT wearing proper attire for a nighttime social event in this situation. Also, I am not sure if you guys know this or not, but at one point Miley Cyrus was a child star! What on earth has become of this sweet girl? What a terrible state of affairs our cursed world has fallen into! What a dark abyss of despair and shame. Are we all living a bizarro version of a Belinda Carlisle song – Is Heck a place on Earth? No, Heck is an Alexander Wang New York Fashion Week afterparty. Well, we had a good run. Goodbye, everybody. Everything is over. Miley Cyrus, please turn off the lights on your way out. We'll just sit here in the dark with a lot of thinking to do.  [Us Weekly]

Um, do you want to be genuinely and sincerely sad right now? Okay, an actress from NBC's Chicago Fire, Molly Glynn, was struck and killed by a falling tree while riding her bike with her husband, Joe Foust, on Saturday.

Glynn 46, was riding with her husband in Chicago's Erickson Woods when they were caught in a fast moving storm around 3pm in the afternoon.

Foust, who was riding ahead of his wife, heard Glynn shout that they should take cover seconds before a tree was uprooted and crashed into her and her bike. The actress, who had been wearing a cycle helmet, died in Evanston Hospital on Saturday, September 6, from her injuries.

According to a statement by Glynn's friend, Michael Halberstam, the artistic director at Chicago's Writers Theatre, "She was a loving mother and wife and everyone who met her fell in love with her." [Us Weekly]

Oh, and now another one: 25-year-old U.S. The X Factor finalist Simone Battle has died from an apparent suicide. TMZ reports that Battle, who'd joined the promising Pussycat Dolls spin-off group G.R.L. upon leaving X Factor, was "found hanging on a rod in the closet of her bedroom around 8:30 AM on Friday." In a separate story, TMZ points out that both Battle's father and friends "didn't sense anything was wrong" with regard to Battle's mental health, and in fact her recent collaboration with Pitbull led them to believe she was "excited about where her career was heading." [TMZ]

More bad news: Edie Falco’s bike was stolen. The first thing you need to know is that it wasn't an ordinary bicycle, it was an electric bicycle, which is apparently "against the law to ride" in New York. The second thing you need to know about Edie Falco's stolen bicycle is that it was the FOURTH bicycle she's had stolen. Why does Edie Falco keep getting all of her bikes stolen? Well, the third thing you need to know may just answer that question: "Falco admitted not having locked the bike when she left it, according to police sources." Quick question to you, dear reader: Where did you take Edie Falco's bike after you stole it? To a chop shop? Or did you wrap a bow around Edie Falco's electric bicycle and pass it off to your nephew as a bribe for keeping quiet about your bike theft ring? Either way, Edie Falco would like her bikes back, please. [Page Six]

Let's end with something a little bit happier. According to Buzzfeed, Beyoncé and her husband (some rapper, forget his name. Biz Markie? Nevermind, I'll Bing it later) were gallivanting around Italy eating-a pizza mozzarelle e le vino and waving ciao alla paparazzi. But then they took a break from all that and popped inside a tiny church where they interrupted an in-progress wedding with what I'm assuming was history's most thund'rous record-scratch. That's right, some woman's wedding was interrupted by the sight of Beyoncé in vacation attire just sort of popping her head in the door. Click on over to the 'Feed for some images of Beyoncé in a casual bikini top taking an impromptu photo with the blushing bride! [Buzzfeed]

Here are Joe Jonas and his best bud Ansel Elgort peepin' on some tennis (watching tennis):

Justin Bieber is raising a child:

Beyoncé thanked her fans for their birthday wishes by doing some kind of back handspring like a regular Mary Lou Retton:

Here's Lindsay Lohan just enjoying a quiet moment away from the craziness of the world, you know?

Mariah Carey did her own makeup here, do you like it?

Here is Austin Mahone thinking. What is he thinking about? Nobody knows, maybe not even Austin Mahone.

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