Today in celebrity gossip: Justin Bieber's hot [-boxing] streak continues, Kristen Stewart is fed up with Joan Rivers, and TMZ wants to know 'what's in Miley Cyrus' crotch THIS time?'
All the best spiritual movements center around martyrs, and the Orthodox Belieber movement is no exception. Nothing quite cements ardent adoration like the belief that a guru is both supreme and supremely misunderstood and Justin Bieber is both. I don't think anybody can deny that Justin Bieber is the most talented musical prodigy since Mozart or the most beautiful human specimen since whatever boy hooker Michelangelo hired to pose for the statue of David, but what IS in dispute is whether or not Justin Bieber is garbage. That is not for us to decide, dear reader. However, that hasn't stopped his new neighbors in Beverly Hills from passing judgment all the live long day and that is because Justin Bieber is now living upstairs from, downstairs from, and surrounded on all sides by haters. TMZ reports that Bieber has ditched his rented house in Atlanta and has been calling Beverly Hills home since "earlier this month" and he's rented two condos in the same building despite there being no internal connection between them. The reason? Entourage downstairs, tiny boy prince upstairs. Unfortunately the hater neighbors have decided they don't like sharing common walls with the noted savior of music: "The neighbors have already contacted the HOA because of excessive noise and marijuana. And we're told ... cops have been called twice." According to a hater neighbor up the hall, "The smell of marijuana was permeating the floor" and other hater neighbors were upset when Bieber recently threw a rager that went until 4 a.m. Also? Last Monday Bieber threw another party during which "the entire penthouse floor was being hotboxed." But, it's like, obviously. What else are penthouses for? Get over it, haters. Anyway, if you ask me, in addition to the weed smoke, I smell shenanigans. How on earth did it take TMZ more than two weeks to report that Justin Bieber moved to Beverly Hills? It's like they no longer have the inside scoop on what he's been up to ever since their willfully withheld footage of his N-word joke went public? Just thinking out loud at this point! But yeah. If it's at all within your power, try not to live next door to Justin Bieber or you will immediately transform into a hater, just FYI. [TMZ]
Just because a lady is extremely chill and doesn't seem to give a dang about anything doesn't mean she isn't full of feelings, especially the feeling of righteous anger. This hypothetical has been brought to you by Kristen Stewart, who appears to be jonesing to straight-up SUE Joan Rivers over Rivers' repeated jokes about the time Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson with Rupert Sanders, the married director of Snow White and the Huntsman. Apparently Rivers made similarly cutting remarks yet again in her new book Diary of a Mad Diva: "Many stars only do one thing well. The best one-trick-pony is Kristen Stewart, who got a whole career by being able to juggle a director’s balls." That's an especially strange accusation to make since Kristen Stewart has been working since she was young girl (remember her diabetic fits in Panic Room?). So obviously Stewart's lawyers are now threatening legal action over this statement, but according to Page Six Joan Rivers has included a fail-safe legal protection from libel in the form of a line in her prologue: "Anyone who takes anything in this book seriously is an idiot." Talk about a lose-lose situation for Kristen Stewart! Oh well, sorry, Kristen Stewart. Best to just let the expensive prosthetic woman have her mean-spirited day in the sun. Not the literal sun, Joan Rivers would melt right away. But you know what I'm saying. [Page Six]
Guess who did not enjoy Lana Del Rey's longing comments about joining the ranks of famous dead rock stars? The daughter of famously dead rock star Kurt Cobain, Frances Bean Cobain. Backstory: Last week in an interview with the Guardian, the mysteriously popular sadness caterwauler told the interviewer that "I wish I was dead already." Though she's now claiming the quotes were taken out of context and calls the Guardian writer "sinister," the Guardian has released audio of her actual answer; it would seem they got it right the first time. Anyway, Frances Bean Cobain then took to Twitter to give Lana Del Rey a piece of her mind:
@LanaDelRey the death of young musicians isn't something to romanticize (cont)— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014
@LanaDelRey I'll never know my father because he died young & it becomes a desirable feat because ppl like u think it's "cool"(cont)— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014
Dang, Lana Del Rey just got TOLD. Obviously Frances Bean Cobain has a different, more personal connection to Kurt Cobain than Lana Del Rey does, but that honestly doesn't mean the topic or legend of Kurt Cobain is off-limits to everybody else. Sorry, but Lana Del Rey is totally within her right to romanticize his death. His death had a huge impact and completely informs his current legend! We honestly don't have to talk about this anymore, though, nevermind. [Page Six]
Congratulations go out to erstwhile Veronica Mars Kristen Bell and erstwhile sloth-wrangler Dax Shepard for getting each other pregnant with their second child. Just kidding, only Kristen Bell is pregnant. Isn't it gross when the male half of a couple says "we're pregnant"? So gross. I'm not saying Dax Shepard has ever said that or ever would say that. But if you're reading this, Dax Shepard, or at least the bots who will be marking this for Dax Shepard's Google Alert feed, then please do not ever say "we're pregnant" if you are a man. Which I am assuming you are, even though I probably shouldn't assume anybody's gender anymore. What is gender but an antiquated construct forced upon us by the tyranny of rapidly dividing stem cells? That is a topic for another time, and certainly not one to bring up while discussing Kristen Bell's second pregnancy with Dax Shepard. Anyway, congratulations again! [Page Six]
Guess who's putting sluts and hussies ON BLAST? Fifteen-year-old Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, is NOT happy with the loose, lewd clothing of the common street trash she sees all around her. "I almost wish I could tell young girls, 'Look, in 10 years when you look back at yourself, you'll cringe, honey, honestly." Hear that, trollops? Bindi Irwin HAS YOUR NUMBER. It's like Beyoncé once said, "Nasty, put some clothes on, I told ya." But with Bindi Irwin. [Us Weekly]
Parks and Recreation's Aubrey Plaza recently met Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and despite it seeming like a fruitful visit in general she's going to have to live with the fact that THIS was the best-quality photo she'll ever have from the occasion:
Oh look, it's Game of Thrones dreamboat Pedro Pascal just sort of hanging out with American Horror Story's Sarah Paulson!
You should only press play on this video if you want to see a very charming Taylor Swift get out-charmed by a sleeping kitten. Fair warning!
Here's Austin Mahone enjoying a spot of tea or whatever:
Quoth wedding guest Kellan Lutz, "Guess I'm next..."
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