In honor of March, the bracket-iest month of the year, The Wire decided to go all out and create a tournament for everything. Every weekday for the rest of the month, we're presenting a different tournament to determine the very best (or worst) thing in a given field. And we're doing it the way that God intended: Bracket showdowns.
We picked the field, but you vote for the winner. Fill out our interactive bracket, round-by-round, to determine the people's champion, then read through our choices to find out who we think is the best of the best. Each day is a new champion!
As we head into the home stretch of Bracket Madness, it's time to get real. A true, smackdown, drag-it-out fight. And no one fights dirtier that the people who love you the most. It's time to figure out who is the best member of your family.
So who is your favorite? Who are you picking first for the big touch football game at the reunion? Who do you absolutely not want to double cross? Let's face it, there are going to be a lot of hurt feelings and spilled mashed potatoes, but family isn't about love and support. It's about winning arguments. Let's settle this once and for all.
- Mom: M is for the many ways she loves you.
- Dad: Can you hand him that wrench?
- Grandpa: If he has any change or hard candy lying around, it's yours for the taking.
- Grandma: Like a mom, but with more presents.
- Brother: He's okay, I guess.
- Sister: She's okay, I guess.
- Niece: They're like your children who you don't have to send to college.
- Nephew: Probably good at soccer.
- Aunt: Do you need a new quilt?
- Uncle: The lamest joke (but also maybe the funniest) you ever heard was probably told to you by an uncle.
- Cousin: There are a lot of them.
- Son: Why don't you go play outside?
- Daughter: Don't talk back to your mother like that.
- Husband: Your better half
- Wife: Your even better half.
- Grandson: Spoiled rotten.
- Granddaughter: Spoiled even more rotten.
- Godmother: May not be related by blood, but might also be a magical fairy.
- Godfather: He'll make you an offer you can't refuse.
- Father-In-Law: No, you may not call him 'Dad.'
- Mother-In-Law: She doesn't hate you, really. I mean, it's not your fault you're not good enough for her perfect little baby.
- Step-mom: Susan Sarandon dies.
- Step-dad: You're not our real dad! (But you're trying and we appreciate that.)
- Step-child: We're just like the Brady Bunch!
- Big Sister: "Get out of my room!"
- Baby Brother: "Ugh. Do we have to bring him along?"
- Middle Child: Who are you, again?
- Great-Anything: Take a grandpa or an uncle or niece. Now add "great." Isn't that nicer?
- Twin: An inseparable companion who reads your thoughts and shares a bond no other human can possibly understand... or an unnecessary redundancy?
- Fiancée: You're not a member of this family, yet, pal.
- The Dog: Until that wedding happens, he's more a member of the family then you are.
- Your Mom's Cousin's New Husband: How are we related again?
Your Vote: Mother
The Wire's Vote:
Round of 32
Mom vs. Father-In-Law: One loves you unconditionally, the other will never forgive you for taking away his child. Pretty simple. Winner: Mom
Son vs. Wife: When you die, they both inherit everything you own, but she did something to earn it beyond being born first. Winner: Wife
Big Sister vs. Godmother: A good big sister will teach you how to talk to boys/girls and generally show you the ropes, but godmothers are literally magic. Winner: Godmother
Niece vs. Step-dad: Step-dads try hard, but it's just a no-win situation, especially in a bracket. Winner: Niece
Uncle vs. Step-child: There's no doubt that the weirdest person in your family is an uncle. Winner: Uncle
Sister vs. Middle Child: Overlooked again. Winner: Sister.
Great-Anything vs. Twin: They have their own language that only one other person understands. That's kind of cool. Winner: Twin
Grandpa vs. the Dog: Loyal, trusting, loves you more than anyone in the world... but he's still a dog. Winner: Grandpa
Grandma vs. Fiancé: I'm not kidding. This wedding can still be stopped. So watch yourself. Winner: Grandma
Aunt vs. Godfather: Yes, the potential for good movie quotes is very high, but seriously, she made you this cake. It's delicious. Winner: Aunt
Brother vs. Mother-In-Law: MIL's have been getting a bad rap for far too long and frankly, you've never gotten over that time he broke your G.I. Joe tank. It's payback time. Winner: Mother-In-Law
Baby Brother vs. Grandson: An adorable human who will do whatever you tell him to. More loyal than the dog, to be honest. Winner: Baby Brother
Nephew vs. Step-mom: That annoying intern who thinks he's too good to make copies and never shows up before noon? He's here because he's someone's nephew. Winner: Step-mom
Cousin vs. Granddaughter: There's so many different kinds of cousins that the variety is tough to beat. The cool one; the rich one; the famous one; the oddball; the one who lives in Alaska... Winner: Cousin
Daughter vs. Husband: Without daughters, entire genres of "monster parent/horrible bride" reality shows would cease to exist. Winner: Daughter
Dad vs. Your Mom's Cousin's New Husband: There's no way that guy is related to us by blood. Winner: Dad
Mom vs. Wife: Oh, you think you wife loves you and your children equally? That's adorable. Winner: Mom
Godmother vs. Niece: Winner: Godmother
Uncle vs. Sister: Only one of these two can pull off a "pull my finger" joke. Winner: Uncle
Grandpa vs. Twins: 50 percent of all twins are evil. It's a fact. Winner: Grandpa
Grandma vs. Aunt: An aunt is sort of like a junior grandma, but she just can't compete with the original. Winner: Grandma
Mother-In-Law vs. Baby Brother: Baby bros are great in theory, but once they come home from the hospital, it's all downhill from there. Winner: Mother-In-Law
Step-mom vs. Cousin: Your step-mom maybe a "cool mom," but she doesn't have a friend who can get you backstage at the Hold Steady show. Winner: Cousin
Dad vs. Daughter: Their arguments have been legendary, but it's only because he loves you and wants to protect you. Also: as long as you're living under his roof, you live by his rules. Winner: Dad
Mom vs. Godmother: Godmother is always on standby, but she knows who's really in charge. Winner: Mom
Uncle vs. Grandpa: Grandpa can still whip his butt, if he has to. Winner: Grandpa
Grandma vs. Mother-in-Law: You're kidding, right? Winner: Grandma
Cousin vs. Dad: He had a good run, but right now Daddy just wants you to be quiet so he can watch the game. Winner: Cousin
Mom vs. Grandpa: Grandpa might be the only guy she loves more than you, but he's also too nice to let her lose this one and will gladly step aside. Winner: Mom
Grandma vs. Cousin: You know your Grandma is also your cousins' Grandma too. Mind. Blown. Winner: Grandma
Mom vs. Grandma: Your mom gave you life. She nurtured you, fed you, changed your diapers, put on Band-Aids, wiped away your tears, drove you to practice, looked the other way when you wanted to wear those pants, kept Dad from freaking out, punished your bratty siblings, did your laundry, gave you hugs, baked you treats, picked you up from the airport, didn't lose you at the zoo, and made sure your Christmas stocking had something in it every year, no matter how small. But guess what? She learned that from your Grandma, because that's who did it for her first. Grandmas are the best.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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