A hush goes over the crowd of creeps and weirdos who have been gurgling at Olympic medal-winning British diver Tom Daley, he of the body and the whole shower thing, for all these uncomfortable years. Because, you see, the lad has made a YouTube video explaining that while he still, of course, fancies girls, he is currently dating a man. Yes, Tom Daley is in a relationship with another bloke, confirming what many have long suspected, and confounding many others. But of course he is not gay. Tom Daley is not saying that he is gay. Remember, he still fancies girls. So he's not sayin' he's gay or nothin'! No no, he's just dating a guy right now. That's all. So cool your jets, homos. This could be a one-time thing. Believe you me, if you call Tom Daley gay on Twitter, you will answer for those words. He is not gay. He isn't even bisexual! He's just dating a guy, right now. And we should all protect that place of non-identity, because while the default assumption going in, that Tom Daley is straight because boys are straight, is fine, assuming anything beyond that, that Tom Daley, an obvious homosexual, is gay, is beyond the pale. How dare we! How dare we infer anything about a public individual who makes YouTube videos about his relationship status. What a crime! So, no. Tom Daley is what Tom Daley is and that's all we should, nay can, say about it. That's all. He's currently dating a man. That does not imply other men to come. Inferring that is offensive, obviously. [Daily Mail]
Oh! And! Maria Bello is just like Tom Daley! In that she revealed this weekend that she too is in a same sex relationship. It wasn't in reaction to Tom Daley's news. No, it's not like Maria Bello made an announcement saying, "In light of teen British diver Tom Daley's news, I feel I must too come forward and speak my truth." No, it was totally separate. In fact, she did it in a New York Times Magazine "Modern Love," column, so it was probably written like months ago. But yeah, she's dating a lady, a lady named Clare, and she is very happy and her son's cool with it and her ex is cool with it and everyone's cool with it. So let's be cool with it. Maria Bello and Clare, forever. [Us Weekly]
"Romance ‘blooms’ between Miranda Kerr and billionaire" reads the headline. And that's all we really need to know, isn't it? That Miranda Kerr has finally found herself a billionaire. After splitting with Orlando Bloom (hence the joke in the headline), Miranda Kerr, Australian supermodel, has found a billionaire. And a billionaire has found Miranda Kerr, after splitting with another model. Because that's just what models and billionaires do. They find each other, they date each other, they live and they laugh and they love and probably after a year or two they split up. But for now, let's enjoy it. Tom Daley has his boy, Maria Bello has her girl, and Miranda Kerr has her billionaire. And that's just great. [Page Six]
Joe Jonas has had sex. The middle Jonas Brother, name of Joe, has had sex with a woman. Well I mean we're assuming it's a woman. These days, when Tom Daley's dating Maria Bello and whatnot, we don't know who's doing who or what, but I think for the purposes of the assignment, we'll assume that when Joe Jonas mentions having sex in a New York Magazine article, he is referring to the female of the species. Of the human species, of course. So yeah. He also sort of implies that his younger brother, Nick, has had sex too. How about that? Those Jonas boys have really grown up. Kevin, of course, remains a virgin. [Us Weekly]
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.