New Year's Eve is a time for drinking, dancing, and partying with friends. Or it's a time for sitting inside, avoiding the crowds, and watching TV. If the latter is more your speed, we've got you covered.
There's quite a bit of New Year's Eve-themed programming on, and we're here to help you sort out what to watch as you close out 2013.
If you love the sound of Anderson Cooper's giggling...watch CNN. Really, this is the show for those who couldn't care less big flashy stars or much pomp and circumstance. It's mostly about Kathy Griffin seeing what she can get away with on live TV—and how much she can humiliate Cooper—but even that's not that exciting anymore since she's been doing this for so many years already. In 2009, she yelled at a heckler off camera: "You know what, I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth." Since that obviously hasn't stopped her from hosting, there's really no risk here anymore.
If you think Phil Robertson is a national hero...watch Fox News' All-American New Year's Eve. Basically the polar opposite of CNN's programming, Fox's special is hosted by Bill Hemmer and Elizabeth Hasselback. It will feature Willie and Korie Robertson of Duck Dynasty in the first television appearance of any member of the Roberston family since Phil's suspension after his anti-gay comments in a GQ article, in which he also explained his view that black people in pre-Civil Rights era Louisiana were "happy." More recently, footage emerged online of Phil telling people at a Georgia event that people should marry girls at the ages of 15 or 16. If that's not getting you excited, note that Richard Simmons will be there (?!) and Susan Boyle (?!) will perform.
If you need a little more Miley before the year goes out...watch Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, without Dick Clark of course, but with Ryan Seacrest. ABC's celebration is basically a concert special. Yes, Miley will be featured, but so will her VMAs partner in crime Robin Thicke, plus Icona Pop, Blondie, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, and more. Billy Joel will perform from Brooklyn (since he is now contractually forbidden from leaving the New York metro area at any time), and Pitbull will perform from Miami. Here's the bad news: If you can't stand Seacrest, you're in for an evening of pain. Here's some more bad news: The View's Jenny McCarthy is co-hosting, meaning you'll be consistently reminded of the dangers of vaccines, if not explicitly then simply by her presence.
If you can't stop singing "this is The Voice" to yourself...watch Carson Daly on NBC. NBC's head butler/man about town Carson Daly will host their festivities, which include a performance from Voice coach Blake Shelton. Mariah Carey will also sing, but since it's past Christmas, we really don't know what to expect from her. Jane Lynch will co-host, which is great, because she's great, even if her presence is merely an advertisement for another NBC program, Hollywood Game Night.
If you really love Saved by the Bell...watch Fox, which will have Mario Lopez hosting. He'll be in Las Vegas. Actually, we're not really sure why you'd watch this one.
If none of this appeals to you...Nick Cannon's on Nickelodeon doing some sort of countdown. MTV has a special called Girl Code Presents: New Year's Code. It involves someone named Charlamagne tha God from the program Guy Code and the cast of Vampire Academy. Finally, BET has a variety of musical artists lined up for their 106 & Party, including T Pain and A$AP Mob.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.