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No, no. Don't worry. I know you see that headline and think that poor, hapless swimbo Ryan Lochte stuck his hand in a fan to see what would happen and lost some fingers or something. But no, his handlers are more mindful than that. He was injured by a fan, like a person fan, not a cooling fan. But he was injured! So we should be concerned about that. What happened was this: An overeager fan approached him in Florida and bowled him over. Yes, Ryan Lochte was essentially tackled by a fan, who jumped on him, causing him to fall over and hit his knee, thus tearing his MCL and spraining his ACL. What is it with athletes? They're so fragile! I mean, I get why they are, but it's just weird. Anyway, Lochte is supposed to make a full recovery, but he's taken an immediate break from training and competing. So, sweet, huh? Ryan Lochte's got a few weeks to chill heck out. That could be nice for him. Though he has to be wary of fans now, of course, saying "Sorry, I can't hug. I got hurted the last time." One fan had to go and ruin the whole stupid thing. [TMZ]

Holy s--t! Jennifer Aniston has a new haircut! The most famous hair in America has been roughly hewn into a choppy bob, a boppy, for no apparent reason. Aniston told Vogue, " "I actually don't have any red carpets coming up. This is truly just for me!" What the heck?? No red carpets coming up? Girl, don't sleep on awards season. I know you're not in a big Oscar movie, but come on. Make yourself known! Go to a ding-dang premiere or something. Show off this jazzy new 'do. Because a new Jennifer Aniston haircut represents a new phase in Jennifer Aniston's life. Might she be about to marry Justin Theroux? Something's happening. Every time she gets a big new style, something changes for her. What will it be this time?? [Us Weekly]

Lady Gaga's manager is walking away from the gig, because he wants to focus on investing in the tech world, where he's had some success. So, OK, another person lost to the horrors of Silicon Valley, ho hum. This story is really only worth mentioning for this line, from a Page Six source: “If you ask Gaga who manages her now, she’ll say, ‘Gaga.’" Haha, OK. Good. Glad that's happening. Hopefully she's wearing the teeth when she says that. Oof. There is no Dana, only Gaga. Fine. All right. Carry on, dork. [Page Six]

Oy. Some fur is flying between Jon and Kate, vis a vis their eight. The Gosselin reality family is in turmoil after dad Jon made some comments to Oprah that the kids are having some problems "developmentally" in the wake of the show and their parents' divorce. Kate is very unhappy about this, so she's released a statement defending her children, saying that most people who meet them find that the children "are the most normal, pleasant, polite, loving and well adjusted children they have ever met. Most even go on to say that they are a 'a delight' to be around." Really? Most people who meet the children use the word "delight"? Who are you hanging out with, Kate Gosselin? Who's saying "delight" in America in 2013? I'm calling a little BS on that one. Also, doesn't it make complete sense that the kids would be a little wonky because of how they came up? I'd think it was weird if they weren't affected at all. I'm oddly glad they were affected! It means they're absorbing the world around them. They're still young-ish (the twins are 13! Aieeee!) so I'm sure they'll be fine, but come on, Kate. "A delight"? Stop making things up. [Us Weekly]

Oh! Prince William is going to hang out with Taylor Swift! She's going to perform at a charity benefit that he's hosting, which is exciting. Imagine Taylor Swift meeting Prince William and Duchess Kate! "Hiiiiiiii!! Oh my god, I'm such a big fannnnn of you guys!" And Kate limply shaking her hand and saying, "Charmed, I'm sure," while William shifts awkwardly and says, "Welcome to England, Miss Swift." That's going to be great. And then Harry striding in and Taylor near fainting and Harry saying, "Yeah, nice to meet you," in a really dismissive way, and then she writes an angry song about him called "The Frog Prince" and he says "The f--k? I talked to her for like three seconds!" and Kate nods and says "Yeah, she's crazy," and then Harry says "Well I'm crazy about you," and turns to her in the bed and they kiss and another illicit morning begins. [People]

Justin Bieber had a party in Brazil to which he invited ten girls he did not know. At the party they were served "chicken nuggets, chocolate, lollies, chips and peanuts." Oh. Oh Justin, no. There were also pineapple slices apparently, but come on now. Chicken nuggets, Justin? Pssh. Step it up, dude. Step it up. The party sounds like it was mostly the girls milling about snacking on things and then Justin coming outside at one point to say he was going to bed. Sounds like a great party! Eesh. This kid's life is starting to seem really depressing, isn't it? Maybe he should get out of the biz and, like, go to McMaster or something and just live a normal life. Because these Brazilian chicken nugget parties sound like a nightmare, honestly. Get out of the game, Justin. I think you'd have more fun. [Daily Mail]

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