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Simon Cowell would like to be left out of the divorce between real estate tycoon Andrew Silverman and his wife Lauren Silverman, because things are getting nasty and heated and, given that TMZ is writing about it, very public. And Simon wants nothing to do with it! He wants Lauren to accept that, because of her prenup, she will not be getting much money in the divorce, so she should just quietly settle and then Cowell will give her the money she needs. Oh, ha, right, because Lauren is pregnant with her and Simon Cowell's baby. Right, right, that's an important detail I forgot to mention. Way to bury the lede, bonehead. Yeah, yeah, see Simon Cowell was friends with the Silvermans and then the couple started having problems and now Lauren is 10 or 11 weeks pregnant with her and Cowell's kid and Andrew wants a divorce and naturally Cowell is getting dragged through it but he would like that to stop. Well, Simon, I'm just not sure it works that way? You can't really be a gazillionaire celebrity media mogul and get your land baron friend's wife pregnant and say out of their subsequent divorce. Y'know? That's not how these things play out. Not in America, not in the UK, not anywhere. But Cowell would like it to anyway, so he's pressuring Lauren to rush to a settlement, even though custody of her 7-year-old son is at stake. Ease up, Simon. Just ease up. You got yourself into this mess, you involved yourself in these lives, so now you gotta wallow in the fallout. I'm afraid that's the price of admission. So get your weird wedge hairdo in order, put on a thin, nipple-enhancing T-shirt, and deal with it. [TMZ]

Oh for the love of... Calvin Klein's on-again/off-again/on-again boytoy Nick Gruber — the porn actor he fixed up with a makeover and some light surgeries — has gotten himself in trouble again. This time he was in some sort of "brawl" at a nightclub establishment in the Hamptons. This all happened last month, when Grubes was dancing at trendy hotspot SL East and some random dude grabbed his crotch. Gruber didn't like this, so he turned 'round and cold-clocked this dude. He then knocked over a bouncer and ran away. The anonymous Gruber-groper was taken to the hospital and Nick hid out somewhere until Friday, when he went to the police station to answer questions and get processed. He got a desk appearance ticket for September 26, when he will plead his case. He also says, apparently, that he's going to sue the guy for sexual harassment. So. Just another day in the life of one Nicholas Q. Gruber, occasional sex-buddy and vacation pal of Calvin Klein, scourge of handsy Hamptonites. What a life. [Page Six]

Oh, well, this is nice. After her devastating breakup with Superman actor Henry Cavill — a whirlwind romance full of many laughs, one that enchanted the world as their love briefly soared — Big Bang Theory actress Kaley Cuoco has found herself another man. She's been spotted on the arm of tennis player Ryan Sweeting, who doesn't exactly have the chiseled marble looks of Henry Cavill, but is certainly no slouch. So, good for her! She even got him to come watch her ride horsies, an activity she seems to enjoy. Ha. Horse riding. That's not really a hobby that you're supposed to have as an adult, but because Kaley Cuoco is very rich, she can afford to have it. It's just her and a bunch of upper-middle-class 14-year-olds, riding around on horses, primping and preening the manes of their beloved horses. And then they go back to eighth grade and Kaley Cuoco, an adult, goes back to filming her hit television show. It's all very funny. Anyway, she's back on the horse. Dating-wise. But also, y'know, literally. [Us Weekly]

Page Six has an item about how Prince Jackson, son of Michael, was seen at a Smashburger in Los Angeles with his girlfriend, Kuwaiti princess Remi Alfalah. A witness was apparently shocked. "I couldn’t believe it — there were these two bajillionaires having $5.29 burgers." So. This is a news item whose headline could have been: Teenagers Eat Hamburgers. I know it's shocking that a teen, or two teens, would eat hamburgers, because teens hate hamburgers, but these two teens did. They ate hamburgers and french fries, these teens. I mean, what were they supposed to do, go to some place called Diamondburger that's a burgers 'n' fries joint for bajillionaire kids where everything is made of jewels, and all the rich teens giggle and gossip while blood pours out of their gums, because the jewels have completely cut up their mouths? Is that what Page Six and this witness want? Or can teens just go get a burger and fries in peace, regardless of their bank statement? I hope it's the latter. I really do. [Page Six]

Did you know that Kelly Rowland was lost at sea? She was. Kelly Rowland, the second most popular Destiny's Child member (but that's a distant second) was in Provincetown and went out on a boat with some friends and they got lost for like ten hours. Hm. How does that happen? Wouldn't you just go west? Once the sun started setting? Just head for the sun and you'll hit some part of Massachusetts eventually, right? I don't know, maybe it's more complicated than that. But I feel like that would be a good start. Next time, Kelly. Just head toward the sunset. You'll hit land eventually. But anyway, I'm glad that Kelly Rowland is no longer lost at sea. Because she once was. Kelly Rowland was, once, lost at sea. [People]

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