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Great Britain ex-pat John Oliver finally found out about the prime minister's planned pornography restrictions, and he was not pleased. "He's doing what? Where's my passport, I'm setting fire to it," Oliver said. "How on earth are you supposed to Union Jack if you've destroyed all the U.K.'s popular pornographic sites?" And, oh, what wonderful sites they are. "I'm talking about Crumpet Strumpets, the Double Decker Bang Bus, F***kingham Palace." Oliver added that, in case anyone was wondering, Beefeaters also exists, but as a dog treats site. (We weren't wondering, but thanks for the heads up.)

David Cameron's porn block will also work to give people legitimate alternatives to suspect searches. For example, a search for child sex will lead to child sex education or child gender. "Also," Oliver added, "Cleveland steamer will produce images of a steamship on the glorious Ohio river, taking a dump on someone's chest."

Of course, this isn't so much a ban as a request that people opt-in, instead of opt-out. As Oliver put it, "all you have to do is tell your service provider that you want porn and they will give it to you. It's simple, which leads me to my new one man show, 'A British Person Orders Pornography.'" Oliver then pulled out a tea pot phone (looks like a tea pot, but with better reception) on a silver tray. "Hello? Is this the Internet Division? Sorry to be a bother, I was just wondering if I could — not to be — to, to file — if you could just flip the switch that makes the, um, that makes — when a man and woman love each other very much — less love, more transactional I suppo— Yes! Yes! The spanking package. That is what I want. That's what I'm calling for. Thank you. Good day." Something tells us this porn block is going to be pretty successful. 

 

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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