Oh this is nice. Little Royal Baby will have a plaything in not too long. Zara Phillips — daughter of Princess Anne, Baroness of a Few Scattered Fields in Shropshire — is with child. Yes, another royal baby! Though this one is decidedly lowercase. Its grandmother is a lowly tenth in line for the throne, so barring some sort of horrible catastrophe, it will never be close to the crown. Meaning it will live its life in a kind of sad obeisance, the second cousin of the future king or queen, the royal rag doll. Brought over to the castle as a companion for the befrocked young heir or heiress, told to do whatever Royal Baby says. Royal Baby, then a child of five or six, will tell its second cousin to "Go play dead in the corner until I'm ready for you!" and the poor thing will have to do just that. Finally RB will toddle over and say "Now you're a whinny pony! I want to ride my whinny pony!" And the poor child will have to get on all fours and let RB ride them around the playroom, Royal Baby kicking its sides to spur it along. A whole life of that. Scalding tea in the face as Royal Baby, now Royal Teen, shrieks "The tea is too hot!" Stolen boyfriends or girlfriends, brought to jealous Royal Adolescent's chambers. Of course they'll wind up at the same college at Oxford, poor royal cousin staying up late to finish term papers and other assignments for Royal Student, who will be out at the pubs talking sneeringly of the "little loser" it got to do its work. And on and on it will go like that for many years, until of course one day things will reach a head and there will be a great showdown atop rainy Black Ven, royal cousin wielding a pistol and shouting "You've ruined my life! You've ruined me!" and Royal Adult yelling back "You'll never do it! You're nothing but a weak little coward!" And then royal cousin cries "I'm not weak!!!" and there's a loud bang and... Well, we'll finish the story another time. Goodnight. [Us Weekly]
Uh oh. The dangers of newfangled social media. A young woman with the Instagram handle Teridactyl has posted two photo snaps from what she claims is Leonardo DiCaprio's house, which appears to be perched majestically in the Hollywood Hills, the infinity pool spilling into dizzying views of all of terrible Los Angeles beneath it. Is it real? Or is Teridactyl just yanking her friends' chains? Page Six believes it has identified DiCaprio's suspected current squeeze, 21-year-old Victoria's Secret model Toni Garm, in one of the photos, so they think it's for real. But I dunno. I'm not so sure this Teridactyl can be believed. For one thing, in one of the photos there are two men in the pool. And I do not believe that Leonardo DiCaprio hangs out with men unless they are fellow Pussy Posse members, and these gents do not appear to be Lukas Haas or Kevin Connolly. Secondly, in this day and age, wouldn't Leonardo DiCaprio be careful about who is in his home and taking photos in his home? I suppose it's possible, very possible even, that he's not even there, that Teridactyl was at his house while he was in New York or elsewhere, but still. Who knows. You can decide for yourself. But do so quickly. I don't think Teridactyl's Instagram account will be hosting those pictures for much longer. Not if Marty Scorsese's goons have anything to say about it, anyway. [Page Six]
Oh lord. Hide your vaccines, because Jenny McCarthy might be headed back to national television. The former Singled Out host and Playboy bunny (and Jenny star; mustn't forget Jenny) is supposedly in talks to replace Joy Behar on The View when the venerable panel member leaves at the end of the summer. McCarthy has her own talk show on VH1 at the moment, but no one's really watching it, so she'd apparently be up for a job change. Ha, right, because if her VH1 show was doing decently she would never leave to cohost The View. Right. But wait, I'm a little confused. If this rumor is true, the producers think that a suitable Joy Behar replacement is... Jenny McCarthy? What a bittersweet thing for McCarthy, huh? "We think you'd be a great replacement for one of our hosts." "Ohh! Is Elisabeth leaving??" "Oh, no, Joy is." I mean, I'm just not sure "You're the next Joy Behar!" is anything anyone McCarthy's age wants to hear? Who knows. (And, of course, who cares.) The good news is that maybe this means they could one day replace Elisabeth Hasselbeck with, like, Linda Dano or something. [Us Weekly]
Katy Perry apparently sued some sort of haircare company for $2 million in endorsement money, saying there was an oral agreement to extend her contract two years. The company then countersued, but Perry ended up winning. So, blah blah, these types of things happen all the time. The interesting thing here is that the haircare company said that Perry had "significant decrease in appeal across Europe" and was "increasingly polarizing ... with negative perceptions in all markets." This was according to their market research. Yikes. Yikes! Yikes. Is that true?? If so, does that mean the tide is turning against Katy Perry? That seemingly once irreversibly strong tide of goodwill turning in a new, bad direction? It could be, if the marketing research of a British haircare company in a lawsuit with Katy Perry is to be believed. Which of course it is. Because why would they lie? [TMZ]
Oh look. Chris Pratt has been working out and abstaining from things like beer in preparation for shooting Marvel's next big hope Guardians of the Galaxy, and it has... yielded results. Pratt posted a photo of the results on Instagram and, well, it worked. That's all we'll say on the matter. It's a Monday morning and thus not the time for language any saltier than that. Congratulations to him. And to Anna Faris. Mostly to Anna Faris.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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