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Duchess Kate, Princess of England, future Queen of everything from Unst to Hugh Town, is due to give birth to the Royal Childling any day now. And so a birth plan has been set up. As she's currently dividing her time between Wales and London, but would never give birth in any filthy Welsh hospital, should Kate go into labor (excuse me, labour) earlier than expected, meaning when she's in Wales, a helicopter will come and whisk her away to the capital city, where the royal doctor will be waiting with various potions and elixirs used in birth since the time of Harold Harefoot. She's in Wales because William is still working with the Royal Air Force, a post he will get two weeks off from when the baby is born before being summoned back. (I mean, it's likely a pretty gentle, and purely ceremonial, summoning. You cannot tell a prince what to do.) Kate will then divide her time between London and her parents' house, before she and William and baby Jayden I move into their newly renovated apartments in Kensington Palace. So I'm sure that sounds rather like the first few months of your child rearing experience. A helicopter ride to the hospital and then a few months later you moved into a palace. Pretty normal parent stuff. [Us Weekly]

In other elegant, monied news, a dog barfed on Christie Brinkley. That's the headline: "Dog barfs on Brinkley." I guess they could have meant that another dog barfed on Tom Hanks's dog from You've Got Mail, but they don't. They mean model Christie Brinkley. She was at something called the Pet Hero Awards in the Hamptons somewhere and a dog barfed on her. That's all we know at the moment. She changed her clothes and went to some other Hamptons event, so she was fine. But she did get barfed on. Christie Brinkley did. By a dog. And it made the news. And now you know it. [Page Six]

Aw, Rihanna and Jennifer Lawrence are new friendz. The two are both in Paris at the moment to take in the sights of Paris Fashion Week and bumped into each other at dinner. Rihanna then posted a photo of the two on her Instagram. She also posted a photo of herself drinking a glass of white wine while she is driven around Paris, because her life is the kind of life where that's something she can be doing on a Monday afternoon. Y'know, why not. If you're being driven around Paris for a day of fashion shows and celebrity-stuffed dinners, then you probably should have a glass of white wine in the back of the car. Unless you get carsick, in which case stick to ginger ale. But otherwise? Yup, have the wine. Take a snap with Jennifer Lawrence. Wear midriffs everywhere. (Everyone is wearing midriffs apparently! Jennifer Lawrence too!) Drink some more car wine. The rest of us will be sitting and waiting to see the photos. [Daily Mail]

Huh. It seems that Henry Cavill, chisel-jawed star of Man of Steel, is dating Big Bang Theory star and website saleswoman Kaley Cuoco. That seems like sort of a funny match, doesn't it? I mean they're both very attractive and moderately famous, so that makes sense, but otherwise? I don't know. He's all suave and British and she's all perky SoCal Americana. He's a Jaguar and she's a pink Mustang. It's a funny match, is all. I'm sure they're very happy together and have lots of interesting conversation and whatnot, but I wouldn't have put them together if you'd asked me to set two celebrities up. I'd maybe put Henry Cavill with Zoe Saldana or something. And Kaley Cuoco with... does Dax Shepard have a brother? [Us Weekly]

Miley Cyrus was seen watching go-go dancers at a club called Cameo in Miami this past weekend. She was really enjoying it, yelling for them to come back out when they went offstage and stuffing money in their underpants. Not, like, as they were leaving for the night in their regular civilian clothes. She wasn't running up to them in the parking lot and stuffing sweaty bills down their pants. Just when they were on stage. Well, OK, and to be fair it says she was throwing the money, not stuffing it. But I hope she was stuffing it. It'd be a little less rude. Anyway, that's what Miley did this weekend. She also hung out with "fellow bad girl Ke$ha." Which, ugh, Page Six! Do not call Miley a bad girl! That's what she wants. It just encourages this silliness. Which, admittedly, has its moments, but it shouldn't involve throwing money at people and slapping their asses because she thinks it's fun and cool. Be a little more polite to the dancers, Miley. That's all. [Page Six]

Here is a thing about how former MTV VJ Kennedy, she's the conservative/libertarian one with the glasses, has written a new memoir/tell-all type of thing in which she says that Michael Jordan tried to take her virginity at a dice game. Well, TMZ's opening sentence is: "NBA legend Michael Jordan tried to win entrance into Kennedy's vagina during a steamy dice game back in 1995." Yeah. First off, "steamy dice game" is a hilarious phrase. When does a dice game go from just a dice game to being a steamy dice game? That must be a strange moment. Secondly, what are we even talking about here. Whoever wrote the phrase "tried to win entrance into Kennedy's vagina" should be put in jail. I'm sorry. I know it's probably some young writer who was just trying something out that ultimately didn't work, but them's grounds for jailing. This whole thing belongs in jail, in fact. Gain entrance to jail, [TMZ]

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