Well, cool your loins, ladies. Your beloved Adam Levine — be-muscled Maroon 5 singer and "coach" on The Voice — is engaged to be wed. The lucky lady is one Behati Prinsloo, a cousin of Queen Amidala of Naboo. Or she's from Namibia or something. I'm not sure. Anyway, the point is that Adam Levine will be married for the first time, and to a gal he was just broken up with. Yeah, they broke up and he was seen cavorting on some isle with another young thing (she was a Sports Illustrated model, whereas Prinsloo is a Victoria's Secret model) but then he and Prinsloo got back together and they knew they wanted to make it for real. And now they're engaged! Which means that Levine can finally go down into the basement and let all those women out of the root cellar. He won't be needing them anymore. And Prinsloo never has to get on a starship again. See ya in hell, Jar Jar. It's happy news for everyone. Well, except for all those gals (and guys too, of course) who have the hummina-humminas for Levine. They're out of luck. The fantasy is over. Unless they want to be homewreckers, but no one is ever morally questionable in their sex fantasies. Never! So, it's over. Adam Levine is as boring as any other soon-to-be-married man. He's basically your dad now. [Us Weekly]
Here's a blast from the past. Remember Oasis? Of course you do. "Wonderwall," "Don't Look Back in Anger," "Champagne Supernova," that time in seventh grade when Allison and Amanda and everyone else on the 57 bus was talking about them and you had no idea who they were and it was one of the first, but definitely not the last, times you really felt like you'd be profoundly uncool forever. We all remember that. Anyway, Liam Gallagher, one half of Oasis's bellicose Gallagher brothers duo, is currently being sued in a paternity case in New York. Oh dear. A woman described as someone who is "in her 30s and specializes in interviewing celebrities" (oh god) has a one-year-old baby and she says that Gallagher is the dad. She's suing for $3 million, which is like, what, six quid in the UK? Just pay the money, Gallagher. Or, I don't know, be a father to the kid. The slight problem with that plan, though, is that he's married and has three kids back in the UK. Yeah. So. This could be difficult. But it is at least nice to know that Liam Gallagher is still kicking around, though he left Oasis long ago, though we've all gotten older. There he is, and there we are, still living our imperfect lives. [Page Six]
Ha. This is fun. Queen Elizabeth's cousin and friend, Margaret Rhodes, was interviewed by CNN recently and when asked if she was excited about the impending birth of Royal Baby, she replied "Not terribly." And then she laughed at herself a little and said, "Well, you know, everybody has babies, and it's lovely. I don't get wildly excited about it." Ha! Terrific. Gotta love an old British lady. They'll tell you what's what. I mean, she is insane. To not be excited about Royal Baby, a moment that will change the course of the globe for all eternity, is to be a crazy person. But you still must respect her blunt honesty. I can't wait for when she meets the baby and she says, "It rather looks like a toad, doesn't it?" I mean, I won't be there. I haven't checked my mail in a while but I'm pretty sure I haven't received an invitation to go to England to hang out with Kate and Will after the baby is born. So I'll just have to imagine that that's what Margaret will say. "Dreadfully ugly little thing. But all babies are ugly, of course." Brit on, old British lady! [Us Weekly]
So it seems that Emma Roberts, an actress of a sort but mostly Julia Roberts's niece, was arrested on July 7 in Montreal for domestic violence. She and her boyfriend, American Horror Story actor Evan Peters, were having an argument in their hotel room and the police were called. When they arrived, Peters had a bloody nose and a bite mark on his ear. Roberts was arrested but released a few hours later, after Peters declined to press charges. What is going on here. Why is Emma Roberts abusing her boyfriend in Canadian hotel rooms? Stop it, Emma Roberts. That's not good. And to do that to huggable, squeezable Evan Peters? Awful. Maybe he should have sent her to Canadian jail. [TMZ]
Ugh. And then Dustin Zito, the sexual nightmare from the second Real World: Las Vegas (he's the gay porn one), was arrested outside a bar in Louisiana for allegedly putting his hand up a woman's skit and grabbing her without permission. Zito now claims he didn't do it, of course, but according to the Daily Mail he kind of copped to it at the time: "Zito allegedly told the officers that 'the female victim should be thankful that he reached up her dress since he is a TV star and several girls wish for that to happen to them." WHICH IS AWFUl, if true. Who knows what happened. What we do know is that Dustin Zito is a deeply unsettling person and he should probably not be allowed to go to bars. [Daily Mail]
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
We want to hear what you think about this article. Submit a letter to the editor or write to firstname.lastname@example.org.