Facebook billionaire and bad interview Sean Parker had his splendiforous, be-costumed fantasy wedding over the weekend, and for the most part the $10 million affair went off without a hitch. (Except the one hitch, har har.) Well, unless you count having to pay $2.5 million in fines to the California Coastal Commission for building his elaborate wedding set in an "ecologically sensitive" area. Oh, yes, wedding set. Including "a cottage, fake ruins, waterfalls, staircases and a huge dance floor," right near some endangered trees and fish or something. So the fuzz got involved and Parker agreed to pay $2.5 million to get them off his back, money that will go to conservation efforts. So this kinda sounds like a bit of a shakedown on this environmental group's part, but whatever. It's Sean Parker. Who had a costume designer for his wedding guests. I think we can all agree that certain people should be shaken down, and Sean Parker is one of them. Building a g.d. LARPing set in the middle of protected nature. The silliest. "I want to pretend we're in fake olden times, so let me ruin these beautiful woods." Nope. Sorry, son. You do not get to be that silly without paying $2.5 million to some made-up environmental agency. Everyone's gotta scratch everyone else's back if there's that much silliness involved. It's the way of the capitalist world. You wanna build a fancy dream castle for your wedding in the woods, you gotta pay the piper, as it were. Them's the particularly ridiculous rules. [AP]
Speaking of ridiculous things, Justin Bieber. That's basically it. Just Justin Bieber. He's the silliest. How silly? Look at these photos of him at last night's Heat game. He's surrounded by security and dressed like Aaron Neville and has this Little Lord Fauntleroy expression on his face as if he's challenging you to point out his absurdity. I say do. Let's everyone point and laugh at the silly boy, with his golden jewelry and hat that fits terribly. It's all just the dumbest. Now, if he were a nice young man with good values we wouldn't make so much fun of his nincompoopery, but he's been hot-dogging around his neighborhood in his fancy vroom-vrooms, which isn't good. And his friend Lil Twist, sitting with him at the game, has been pulled over for speeding like three hundred times, so the Biebs is kind of fair game. It's the sad end to an interesting experiment: Let's pluck some Canadian child rube out of obscurity after finding him on YouTube, make him the sexual/emotional core of teen girldom's universe for a few years, and then ritualistically punish him for existing in the framework we've built for him. Turns out when you do that, the kid ends up wearing lip gloss and a leather softball jersey to a basketball game. That's what happens when we do all of that, guys. Let's not do it again. [USA Today]
Celebrated beef tower Channing Tatum has revealed the name of the child that he and wife Jenna "Step Up" Dewan recently welcomed into the world. It's a girl named Everly. Yes, Everly Tatum. Which means Tatum O'Neal needs a new name for her upcoming E! reality show, and that in fifteen or sixteen years some school master at a fancy private school is going to say "Tatum? Everly Tatum?" and a girl dressed all in black with a sullen look on her face will raise her hand and quietly say "Yeah" and the new boy in school, Jackson Finnston, will fall instantly in love. Because Everly Tatum is exactly what every girl in supernatural YA fiction is named. There is no other name, only Everly Tatum. "It was the first time Jackson laid eyes on Everly Tatum, and he never wanted to stop looking." Have fun, kids! [Us Weekly]
Remember when the singer Miguel tried to jump over a crowd of people and ended up landing on some poor lady's head? Well that lady doesn't want to be poor anymore, so she's maybe gonna sue Miguel. Yeah her lawyer is now saying that she might have sustained some brain damage after getting clobbered in the thinkin' bone, and that she was not given proper care immediately after the incident. (Ice instead of the hospital.) Which, OK, fine. I guess if you can become a millionaire for spilling hot coffee on yourself, you can become one when an R&B singer jumps onto your head. That does seem fair to me, in this peculiar and litigious world of ours. Miguel is at fault, he shouldn't have jumped if there was a possibility that he couldn't make it. But then again, she shouldn't have been at the Billboard Awards. I mean, you can't go to the Billboard Awards and assume you're going to walk away with no brain damage. That's just part of the deal. So maybe everyone's at fault. Miguel, pay the lady for landing on her head. Lady, pay Miguel for being at the Billboard Awards. That seems fair. [TMZ]
Real Housewives of New York star and suspected niffin Ramona Singer recently threw a tantrum at a restaurant, crying and pleading, after they told her that they could not have a graduation party for her daughter, because they were not yet doing a lunch service. Yeah. She tried to arrange a thing at the Upper East Side (of course) joint Brasserie Cognac East (nothing that an 18-year-old girl in 2013 likes more than brasseries and cognac) but they were all, "M'am, we do not serve lunch at the moment." So she cried, actually cried, and the restaurant offered to set her up — for free! — at another restaurant, but she said no, because Brasserie Cognac's private room is purple and the girl likes purple. So after much pleading the restaurant finally relented and the party was scheduled. Good grief. After that Ramona went to Central Park to whisper secrets to pigeons before floating away on a spring breeze. [Page Six]
These photos of Alec Baldwin's daughter Ireland making out with her boyfriend in Hawaii aren't interesting or significant until you read that Alec Baldwin's daughter Ireland is making out with her boyfriend and his name is Slater Trout. Yes, Slater Trout. As in, Slater Trout. Is your name Slater Trout? Nope, because you are not a silly joke person. Slater Trout! Good for them. "Hi I'm Ireland and this is my boyfriend Slater Trout." You've been invited to the anniversary party of Ireland and Slater Trout. What, was Dorff Salmon busy? Slater Trout. I'm in love. It's perfect. Happy summer. [Daily Mail]
The royals went to a thing to celebrate how old the Queen is. The Queen of England, I mean. And she is very old! This was the sixtieth anniversary of her coronation. That is a long time! Do you know how much older the Queen of England is than Slater Trout? A lot older. But don't forget that the Queen of England and Slater Trout exist in the same world. I mean, they are both alive on planet Earth at the moment as far as I'm aware. "This is the Queen of England, and this is Slater Trout." That is conceivably something that could, within the bounds of reason, actually happen. "The Queen of England spent the day with Slater Trout." What a wonderful world, where that is at least the dimmest and faintest of possibilities. Anyway, Kate was there looking pretty and pregnant, as was Harry, who just looked pretty. No pregnancy there, thank Saint Alban. People marveled that pregnant Kate wore heels, while Harry pointed to a young lady in the audience and before she knew it she was being whisked to a bed chamber high in the Tower of London and was told to wait. Which she did, happily. Expectantly. The bells of the Abbey ringing clear and bright, a perfect English day. [People]
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