Oh thank god. After nearly a year of waiting, made all the more anxious by a seriously fascinating New York Times Magazine article, Lindsay Lohan's sure to be wonderful new film The Canyons will be getting a release this summer. The sexual thriller, directed by Paul Schrader and written by Brett Easton Ellis, will debut in New York on August 2, go wider on August 9, and also be released On Demand at the same time. So you will get to see this movie if you want to see this movie. Do you want to see this movie? It's Lindsay Lohan and porn star James Deen in some kind of romantic con game. I think? I kinda forget. I feel like the plot isn't really the point. The point is that you need to read that article and then you'll be curious to see the movie because you'll want to see the end result of all the madness. In many ways that article was the best PR the movie ever could have had. Of course, in truth, the movie is bound to be terrible, literally not one thing about it sounds good, but isn't that a curiosity in its own right? I think it is. So in August, let's do this thing. Let's watch The Canyons and laugh a little and then move on with our lives like nothing ever happened. [Page Six]
On the opposite end of the spectrum from Lindsay Lohan, child actress turned productive adult Emma Watson has announced plans to return to Brown University to finish her degree, two years after putting her education on hiatus. Good for her! Very few of those industrious celebrities who start fancy colleges complete their time — Claire Danes dropped out of Yale, Joseph Gordon-Levitt skedaddled from Columbia — so it's good to see Watson dedicated to doing just that. Not that she needs to finish college. I mean, she doesn't need to do anything. If she wanted to she could lie in a hammock and eat Quaker Chews for the rest of her life. She could get in a hot air balloon and fly around the world forever. She could move to a small town and buy the big house on the hill and reign as the richest woman in the county, revered and feared by all. Basically her options are limitless and they aren't any hampered, really, by a lack of a college degree. (I suppose she couldn't be an investment banker or a biology professor, but who wants to do that?) But, still, it's good she's going back. I hope she enjoys her time there! The last two years of college are more fun than the first two, I think. She could do a few plays, hook up with some boys, go to parties. Y'know, that stuff. It's good. I'm glad. Have fun, Ms. Watson. [New York Daily News]
And then we have Amanda Bynes, who has recently revealed, on Twitter, that she has a crush on actor Liam Helmsworth. We're of course assuming that she means Liam Hemsworth, but maybe it really is Liam Helmsworth. I mean, she might know an actor named Liam Helmsworth who is "the most gorgeous man on the face of the Earth." It's possible she met some local theater actor or something who is named Liam Helmsworth and is very attractive. Attractive to Amanda Bynes, at least. So while we can probably assume, since they've hung out in the past, that Bynes is talking about Liam Hemsworth, I don't think we should fully count out good ol' Liam Helmsworth. Because the Helmsworth fellow could definitely be real, sitting somewhere reading about this and marveling at the strangeness of it all. That's what I hope is happening. That Liam Helmsworth of Astoria, Queens, an actor who went to SUNY Purchase and works a day job at Telecharge, is Amanda Bynes's choice for hottest man on Earth. Don't you hope that's true too? Good. [Us Weekly]
Oh god. Two of Justin Bieber's security guys are being accused of assault after they grabbed a paparazzo's camera and took out the memory card. The photographer also says the security guys choked him. This all went down in a parking lot in Miami. And what was Justin Bieber doing in said parking lot? Skateboarding. The kid was skateboarding. So the photographer is definitely a jerk, every single one of those guys is a jerk, but also Justin should not be skateboarding. He is too old and it is too 2013 for skateboarding. If you're old enough to vote, you should not be skateboarding. I know Tony Hawk this, Ryan Sheckler that, but those are exceptions to a vastly applicable rule. I mean, look, skateboarding at 19 is not nearly as awful as skateboarding at 30, but it's still not good. So the paparazzi need to get new jobs and Justin needs to get a new hobby. Maybe he could read a book or go for a run or something. I don't know. It just can't be skateboarding. I'm sorry Justin, but it can't. Those days are over. [TMZ]
Oh, never mind. He already has a new hobby. He's going to space. Yes, America. Yes, world. Yes, universe. Justin Bieber, childlike emperor of all Canada, is going to outerspace. Or, well, low orbit space. He's doing one of those Richard Branson rocket cruises. So sadly Justin Bieber is very likely going to perish in space. Because those Richard Branson space trips are so doomed it's not even funny. They are prologues to well-attended funerals. Nothing more. Meaning, maybe consider another new hobby, Justin. [Daily Mail]
There's some speculation that Michelle Williams — Lindley not Destiny — is dating Brooklyn-based artist Dustin Yellin. They were photographed together on Tuesday, so. "Hipster romance" the front page of Us Weekly's website read. Because they both live in Brooklyn, you see. And, OK, to be fair, both are artists of some kind. I get what they mean with the hipster thing, but it's getting to be where a person can't live in a particular part of a particular city and have a particular sort of a career and not be called a hipster. It's prejudice, is what it is. And it's terrible and it needs to be stopped. (Ha ha, just kidding, the debate about who is and isn't a hipster and whether we should be using the word anymore is the silliest and boringest at this point. Who cares. Live your life. Call people hipsters. Be a hipster. Refuse to ever say hipster. It's all fine. Every single part of it is fine. We're all free.) [Us Weekly]
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