Prince Harry, the most eligible bachelor in the solar system, has arrived in the United States, fully clothed this time, unfortunately. Yes, the ginger Windsor started a week-long American tour in Washington D.C. this afternoon, where he visited Capitol Hill. Tomorrow it's on to other D.C. stops and then Colorado for the weekend for the Warrior Games. And then next week he's coming to New York and New Jersey! Yes, right here, in the Northeast. This is your chance. This is our chance. This is everyone's chance! To level the playing field for everyone, here are some universal tips on how to get to Harry while he's on his grand Yankee bride hunt.
In D.C.: Since Washington is Hollywood for ugly people, probably all you need to do to catch the Prince's eye in that city is not be some total nerd hosebeast. But even if you are some think tank dork nightmare creature, all is not lost. Harry just walked through the Capitol rotunda! And you're not too late: Simply scale up into the dome and then when he walks by, throw yourself down like Tom Cruise in the original Mission: Impossible (oh, right, you should have a whole elaborate high-tech rope and pulley system) and then kinda, y'know, gently land on him. That'll be a good icebreaker and then when you're a couple you'll have a great meet-cute story.
Can't make it to the Capitol/banned from the Capitol for trying to do the exact same thing to Martin Heinrich? Don't worry. Harry, ever the loyal military man, will tour the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier on Friday, so all you have to do is cut holes in a bedsheet, hide behind the Tomb all night and day until he gets there, and then jump out from behind it and say "OooooOOoo! I am the ghost of the Unknown Soldier!" and then take the sheet off and say, "No I'm just kidding. I'm a receptionist from Bethesda." I'm sure he'll love it. Or you could steal a nurse's uniform and try to meet him at Walter Reed hospital, but that's kind of a serious place for obvious reasons, so maybe you'd be better off trying elsewhere.
In Colorado: Harry's first stop in the Centennial State is a reception in Denver with the British consul-general to Colorado, New Mexico, and Wyoming. Her name is Beverley Simpson. She's your ticket to Harry. Simply fly to Denver immediately, and between now and Friday evening find out her dirt. She's gotta have some dirt, some skeletons in the ol' enchanted wardrobe. (That's how she gets to and from England.) I mean look at this wild woman. She's got to have done some freaky, low-down stuff in her day. And she does not want that stuff to get out. She'd have to leave Denver! And no one wants to leave Denver. So find out what that dark, dark secret is and use it to your advantage. Blackmail her. Force an introduction. All's fair in love and war. And hell it's time someone threatened to end the cruel, omnipotent reign of Beverley Simpson, British consul-general to Colorado, New Mexico, and Wyoming.
In New York/New Jersey: Harry's headed to a charity dinner reception in Manhattan next Tuesday (I believe) so you could kidnap a cater waiter and assume their identity to get into the function, but that would be pretty illegal and not very nice to the cater waiter (the poor waiter is no Beverley Simpson, they don't deserve it), so I think your better bet is to get him while he's touring the New Jersey coastline with Governor Chris Christie. Now, Christie has said he'll keep an eye on the Prince all day lest any Atlantic City naked shenanigans happen (damn you, Christie!!), but he'll only be making sure Harry doesn't do bad things. Meaning Harry can do as many good things as he wants. And there is no better thing than rescuing someone from the ocean, right? So just throw yourself into the sea — making sure you can actually swim — and then flail and cry like mad when he walks by. You'll be in his strong, wet arms in no time! It might sound crazy, but it worked for Denise Richards on Saved by the Bell, and hell the scheme's been semi-successfully tested on Harry before, so why wouldn't it work for you? "My hero," you'll say as you flutter your eyelashes, and before you know it you'll be living in some drafty castle babysitting Kate's kid.
In Connecticut: Harry's last stop is a fancy polo match in Greenwich. Getting to a polo match is easy. Simply become a heart-of-gold-hooker, meet a wealthy businessman, have him take you on a shopping spree, and then after some sexy-sexy here, some sexy-sexy there, you'll end up at a polo match. You might have to sit through an opera first, I forget the order in which these things happen, but you'll get to the match eventually. You have time — it's not til next Wednesday. Once there, you're just going to have to use all your charms to pull Harry's attention away from the game. Though it shouldn't be too hard. Being British, Harry's pretty tired of looking at horses' faces all day long.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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