The Oscars are on Sunday! We've already told you who we think the winners will be, but what else will happen during the show? In advance of our live account of all the proceedings, here are some probably very accurate predictions.
Halfway through Seth MacFarlane's forty-eight-minute-long opening song, he'll run off stage to go fight a gigantic chicken or do some weird Star Wars joke. Everyone will wonder what the hell that was all about until some stoned teenager explains to them that "the point is that there is no point."
It's unclear if he's making another one of his weird fake documentaries or if he's really snapped the tether this time, but Joaquin Phoenix sure will look great in his Jessica Chastain costume.
Best Acceptance Speech
Upon winning Best Original Screenplay for Amour, provocateur director Michael Haneke will lean into the mic, say "You're all imperialist demons," stab presenter Jeremy Renner in the neck with a pen, and walk off, never to be seen again.
Best Red Carpet Duo
Giuliana Rancic's head will explode when she tries to pronounce Quvenzhané Wallis and Chiwetel Ejiofor's names within a few seconds of each other.
Best Reaction Shot
When 22-year-old Jennifer Lawrence beats out 85-year-old Emmanuelle Riva, the camera will cut to Riva, lighting a cigarette and pouring herself a glass of wine.
Best Musical Performance
Due to a last minute scheduling mix-up, Annette Bening and Warren Beatty will bravely fill in for Hugh Jackman, performing what they remember of "Master of the House" from Les Misérables.
The ceremony's director immediately plays the wrap-it-up music when Seth MacFarlane walks out to tell a second round of jokes.
While accepting the Best Actor award for Lincoln, Daniel Day-Lewis pulls off his mask and reveals himself to have been an amazingly transformed Linda Hunt this whole time.
Or, in some sort of administrative oopsy, the Best Actor prize goes to Daniel Dae Kim for Hawaii Five-O.
Anne Hathaway accepts her trophy for Best Supporting Actress, and while blood pours down the walls and a great fissure opens in the earth and swallows all of Hollywood's elite, Tom Hooper begins to regret not just going with Randy Graff.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
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