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E! Entertainment Television hired swimbo Ryan Lochte to be a New York Fashion Week correspondent and some people are saying that the network regrets the decision. Because, y'know, Lochte, while a capable and inspiring swimmer, is not exactly giving hella good TV reports. A person from E! tells Page Six that claims the network is unhappy with Lochte's coverage are "inaccurate," which is a strong statement. "How do you respond to the allegations that you hate Ryan Lochte and it's the worst decision you ever made and sometimes you guys sit in your offices and throw things at the wall and cry because oh god Ryan Lochte is so terrible he's the worst and is awful?" "Inaccurate." Strong words! Though, OK, to be fair, the E! rep did add, "[Lochte] is doing a great job. It would be unreasonable to expect him to suddenly morph into a seasoned journalist, just as it would be unreasonable to think a journalist could win a gold medal, but it doesn’t mean they can’t take a dip in the pool!" Haha, so that's basically saying, "Yes he's the living worst at this, but what did you expect? It's Ryan Lochte, c'mon. Give the goon a break." And we are of that belief too. Give the goon a break. GTGAB. It's the new Livestrong. (Yikes with that whole thing, huh?) Just give Ryan Lochte a break. He's trying, sort of. Sure he said yesterday that he hadn't practiced at all for his cameo on 30 Rock, but c'mon. Give the goon a break. What does he know? His head's fulla water. Poor guy. You're all gonna feel really bad when, in three years, you see him bussing tables at Boston Market and you realize you were all being too hard on him. Just saying. [Page Six]

One planet, two countries, so many miles apart. Last night Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart both stepped out, he in Los Angeles for the MTV Video Music Awards, she in Toronto for a screening of her movie On the Road. He wore a black jacket and mussy hair, she wore a fancy dress and a bashful smile. He introduced a first look peek at the last Twilight film, she offered a peek at nothing. She was saturnine, removed, doing the smiling job she is paid to do, and that's about it. The two separated by plains and mountains and deserts, by unknown volumes of air. At least they are out in public, right? At least there is that. The moving forward. The OK let's go of it. The breathing in and breathing out, the blinking and beating, the step and repeating. Sally forth, youngsters! Into the bright and tricky world! The water's just fine. [People]

Speaking of those VMAs, here is a look at all the fashionz that all the celebrituhs wore last night. Some people looked ridiculous, others looked awful, and others more looked like right jerks. See, the VMAs is the nation's most embarrassing awards ceremony, which is saying something, because everyone is trying so laboriously to be cool. God it is a million adults in a room trying to be so so so cool for a bunch of pimply, skidmarked underpant-wearing teenagers. For teens! Teens, our worst natural resource. And yet these adults are stalking around trying to be so pouty and cool, for them, for teens. It's tremendously embarrassing for all involved because in five years we are all going to look back at it and be like "Ummmmm, that's the lamest." (That's exactly what we'll all sound like in five years, btw. Lots of obnoxious Ummmming.) Anyway, the fashions. Rihanna looked nice. But she usually does. She's great, huh? Love Rihanna. Everyone else? Ya busted. [Us Weekly]

And now speaking of Rihanna and the VMAs, she was caught on camera giving Chris Brown a hug and a pat on the head during the show last night. Yup. Feed that info into your outrage processors and see what comes out. I'm not saying anything kind about Chris Brown here, at this point weighing in on Chris Brown either way is like bringing poop-covered coal to New Castle, but I am saying that people are really weird about what Rihanna should do about this whole situation, and she's not doing what lots of people think she should do, and it is interesting to watch people react to that. Not that one thing is good and the other is bad, just that people are complicated and stories are long and knotty, and the world isn't even a perfect sphere, y'know. It's kind of an oblong, and so are the rest of us, imperfect and crooked, floating through space. [Us Weekly]

Yoooops. Billy Joel School of Driving valedictorian Amanda Bynes has had her license taken away  following her approximately seven hundredth fender bender. Well OK, it's been suspended, not totally revoked or whatever. But yeah, she had one too many hit-and-runs on the road and so someone at the DMV was like "Come on girl, give it up. Just stop." So how will she get around town? Well luckily Los Angeles has that great trolley system and of course there's the harbor ferry line, not to mention the sky-rail and the bullet bus. So she'll be fine. Haha, just kidding! L.A. has none of those things. She is basically screwed. She is relying on the kindness of friends for the foreseeable future. Are you still friends with Lori Beth Denberg, Amanda? You should give her a call. [Daily Mail]

Mariah Carey surprised people by singing some old standards at the Carlyle hotel last night. She was there with some people, including Nick Cannon and Randy Jackson, and the band at the bar was like, "Hey come sing a few," and so she did. Which must be a fun experience. Not as fun as Elaine Stritch doing a night at the Carlyle, but still fun. Mariah Carey lives an interesting life, y'see. You count her out, think she's just some weirdo, but the lady is doing stuff. You can't deny that the lady is, in fact, doing stuff. [Page Six]

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