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In Richard's absence, I'm also rounding up the showbiz news for the day in between bouts of weeping over how much he is missed (yes, Richard, it is true). So, what happened? The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn -- Part 2 marketing machine churns, Michael Bay's upcoming pirate drama gets itself a head buccaneer, Tom Hanks and Bill O'Reilly unite over Abraham Lincoln, more Matt LeBlanc as Matt LeBlanc, and more. So much more. 

Things are perco-Twigh-lating (did that work? No?) with the final movie in the Twilight Saga: So Many Vampires, So Little Time. Tickets for the movie go on sale October 1 at midnight, a full six weeks before it's even out in theaters, so, get ready! But also: There will be advance tickets available for a marathon show of the first five films, to be offered in select theaters for those who really want to up the Twilight ante, push the Twilight envelope, or are writing their theses on Stephenie Meyer's influence on today's society. This last bit in the series is, according to many, the most anticipated movie of the whole entire fall, so consider yourself been warned: give blood, restock your travel packs of cry-tissues, eat some rare steak, make friends with a werewolf, whatever it takes. To recap, the last we saw of our heroine Bella, played by Kristen Stewart, who at the time was still in public lurv with Robert Pattinson, she was just waking up as a vampire on the operating table where Dr. Cullen delivered her monster baby in most dramatic fashion. These are not spoilers because, first of all, you've clearly read the book, and second, in the photos for Back to the Future: The Vampires Strike Back Finally Already, we see that Bella has a child and is, presumably, alive or at least undead. She has red eyes. She can scramble up a tree all by her own, finally, and is ravenous for the blood of humans! Get ready. And by ready we mean you should have your credit card information on hand at all time, Team Not Gonna Sit in the Very First Row This Time. [The Hollywood Reporter]

Michael Bay has an upcoming "pirate drama series" that you may be eager to see, as we are, because, pirates and dramas? Worst case scenario, this is the ideal opportunity outside of Halloween to don an eye patch and adopt a parrot and look disgruntled, shouting stereotypically pirate things like "Arrrr" and "Ahoy mate" as you wave your hand hook to and fro. Black Sails (that's what the pirate drama has been dubbed, though we prefer Walk the Plank) has their next top pirate. Captain Flint, "fabled buccaneer" or "the most brilliant and feared captain of all the Golden Age pirates and commander of the pirate ship Walrus" or "the lead pirate," will be played by British actor Toby Stephens. He looks pretty dashing and debonair and only a little bit weathered in the ruggedest of ways, much like a pirate who uses really good skin care products with SPF and stays out of the sun whenever possible. Stephens has a Bond movie tucked somewhere in the folds of his flowing white shirt, but this is his first big U.S. TV role. We'll be tuning in to shiver timbers and yo ho ho via Starz in, it looks like, early 2014. [Deadline]

In strange Hollywood-ish pairings we have Tom Hanks and Bill O'Reilly, who despite political, emotional, and astrological differences, have been brought together by the bonding powers of history and brown hair and older-white-manhood but mostly of Abraham Lincoln who encapsulates all of those things. They're going to be all about Lincoln all the time or, not really all the time, but at least for the duration of making O'Reilly's book, Killing Lincoln, into one of those fancy "two-hour television events" people like so much for the National Geographic Channel. Hanks will do the voices and play the host; O'Reilly, well, it's his book, so he'll presumably remain offscreen yelling. There will be historical reenactments, though not, we regret, of Bill O'Reilly and Tom Hanks having it out over O'Reilly's previous jab that Hanks had committed "career suicide" by narrating an Obama reelection video. [Entertainment Weekly]

If you're a fan of Matt LeBlanc playing Matt LeBlanc, there's more Matt LeBlanc for you! Joey from Friends' Showtime tragicomedy Episodes, a fictionalized version of the life of Matt LeBlanc, has been renewed for a third season with nine episodes. Previously the show's gotten Emmy nominations and Matt LeBlanc took home a Golden Globe, so, people like it! But remember when Joey Tribbiani put on all of Chandler's clothes and did lunges? That was neat. [Hollywood.com]

The Voice beat the X-Factor in shows we do not watch but maybe some of you do, and that's great, we're not judging—just because we do not understand these singing-competition shows does not mean we know anything. And, in fact, we hear they are oft quite popular and amusing. But the main thing is that The Voice is on NBC and X-Factor is on Fox, and The Voice was in its third night this week, competing with X-Factor's premiere featuring new judges Britney Spears and Demi Lovato. Despite The Voice's apparent win, both shows lost audience numbers they might have attained had they not been pitted against each other. A divided singing-competition show world is a world divided but, thank heavens, "they aren't scheduled to go head-to-head regularly." [Variety]

You're Next, a very scary-looking movie from Adam Wingard that got a great response at last year's Toronto's Film Festival (it's about a family reunion that turns deadly when a bunch of guys in creepy animal masks show up with weapons and start killing; the girlfriend of one of the family members turns out to have secret butt-kicking powers) has gotten a release date. Lionsgate, which acquired the film in a bidding war, will release it August 23, 2013. [Collider]

Lessons in rights from Frank Sinatra: If you have a hot dog business, don't name it "Franks Anatra" and then try to trademark it, because Frank Sinatra's estate will take you to court. You will say that you didn't name your business after Ol' Blue Eyes, and instead that Franks are simply hot dogs and Anatra means duck in Italian, there's nothing Frank Sinatra about that at all! Except that no one will understand why you're selling hot dog ducks, and oops, Frank Sinatra wins. Then, though, you'll say that Anatra really indicates "the People's Republic of Anatra," an "independent island nation that is 'all about the hot dogs'" and the Trademark Office with whom you want to convince with this shaggy story will not even bother to find out if the country exists but instead will think that's a bad and incredibly obscure way to brand your hot dog truck. Frank Sinatra may never open a hot dog truck, but the name will be deemed to be his, should he decide to do so. [The Hollywood Reporter]

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