As we all know, Jennifer Aniston somehow broke the gloomy curse that had banished her to a lifetime of loneliness and misery after her old husband Brad Pitt was lured away by darkness incarnate Angelina Jolie, and she is now engaged to tight-jeaned rockabilly Justin Theroux. This is all very exciting. Surprising — I mean, we were all convinced, positively convinced, that Aniston would grow old utterly alone, locked away in some mossy Beverly Hills mansion or perched like Adrienne Rich's Jew in solitude high up on some windswept California cliff — but also exciting. And now comes the fun part: Planning the wedding! Well, planning a wedding is only fun if you have a heap of galleons at Gringotts bigger than Hagrid's house, which is just what Jennifer Aniston has. But, and this is hopefully not some grim foreboding of a conflicted future, Jennifer and Justin do not agree on one thing. See, she wants a destination wedding. Somewhere fun and sexy. It would feel like vacation, some sort of "source" tells Us Weekly, "since that's their favorite thing to do," meaning go on vacation. Which, haha. What? "Ohhh your favorite thing to do is go on vacation? How unique! Me, I prefer the constant drudgery of work, day in, day out, slogging away with no relaxation or exploration or adventure in sight. But hey, you do you. You like vacations. They're your favorite thing. Well, different strokes, right? You enjoy that." Ridiculous. But oh well! The point is, Jen wants to go away somewhere, but Justin, who's a bit more low-key, wants to just get married in New York this winter. No muss, no fuss. So what do you think? Should Justin and Jen whisk themselves and a billion of their closest family and friends off to some exotic corner of the globe? And if so, where? We're thinking the Maldives, or some fancy beach in Portugal, or maybe Ingmar Bergman's Swedish isle. Or, y'know, should they keep it simple but tasteful in New York? Obviously Jen should do whatever Justin wants for fear that he will leave her just like Brad and then she will be that most accursed of things once more, an unmarried woman, but if that wasn't an issue, what would you say? What should Jennifer Aniston do? Please answer, her happiness depends upon it! [Us Weekly]
So there's been this whole thing swirling around the past few days that Taylor Swift, the country temptress currently infiltrating the Camelot clan, rudely crashed her boyfriend Connor Kennedy's cousin's daughter's wedding. (A mouthful.) Apparently Swift was asked to leave but she didn't and it was weird and she was stealing focus from the bride and everyone was upset. A Kennedy interloper embarrassment. But did it really go down like that? Yesterday, Kathie Lee Gifford said it did, and if Kathie Lee spake it, it shall be ever thus. Kathie Lee is sort of the last word on uncomfortable social faux pas, isn't she? Well, she said on Today yesterday that Swift was asked to leave twice with Connor, who had only text messaged his cousin an hour before the ceremony to see if he could come and was told no, but that she didn't and no one could understand why. But eventually Connor ushered her out during the dinner service and peace was restored. They did return for the dancing part of the reception, but everyone was drunk by then anyway so nobody cared. Matter solved. Embarrassing for Swift, and clearly hilarious that Kathie Lee Gifford was there, watching it all with those drunk old crow eyes of hers. Even more hilarious is that the girl getting married? Kathie Lee's step-granddaughter. Haha! Yes! Frank Gifford is her grampa, so that makes Kathie Lee her step-grandma. Which is amazing. Imagine having that terrific old buzzard as your new grandma. "Here are some hard sour candies m'dear..." And then she goes on national television and talks about your embarrassing wedding! Granted she was supporting the bride and not Swift, but still. "M'dear, please go get step-gran eight fingers of cold wine, please. There's a bitter licorice in it for you if you're quick." Amazing. [People]
Gods be good! Jon Snow and Ygritte are totally smooshing in real life. Translated: Game of Thrones actors Kit Harrington and Rose Leslie, who play love interests on the fantasy series, are dating off camera as well. Yup! Pictures have surfaced that show the pair being cutesy and holding hands at some sort of restaurant. That is the best! The literal best. Good for them. Obviously Rose Leslie is a nasty old troll for stealing our Jon Snow from us, but still, it is a very good couple. Really the only bad thing about this story is the pictures. Not what they show, but simply the closeness of the pictures. They were clearly taken by someone sitting right next to the couple at the restaurant. Way to be a creeper, creeper! I mean, I would be taking those photos too if I could manage to work my cellphone camera without taking sixteen pictures of my thumb before snapping a blurry, unusable image of the thing I'm trying to photograph, so I don't exactly blame the sneaky snapper for taking the pictures, I'm just saying that cellphone cameras have made us all disgusting creepers and we should all be ashamed. That's all. Oh, and if you're curious about which restaurant Ygritte and her crow were feasting at? It was one of these places. Some raggedy Bertucci's-esque pizza chain. Stars, they're just like us. They like raggedy pizza. And white wine, apparently! [TMZ]
Winning the award for best lawsuit of the year is Jay-Z's spice lawsuit that just got dropped. Yup, Jay-Z was suing someone over chicken spice. See he owns this upscale sports bar called the 40/40 Club in New York and he had hired his former tour chef to be the chef there because his food is great. But then the chef left and took his recipes with him, including the secret spice mixture he uses for the popular chicken wings. The club sued for the recipes, which the chef gave back, except for the secret spice mixture. That he kept under his toque and refused to give up. So he got sued some more, but it didn't work. Try as he might, Jay-Z just couldn't get that chicken spice. He sued, oh boy did he sue, because that chicken spice was apparently soooo good, but in the end, he lost the spice. It blew away on the wind, as spices do. And thus ends the strangest adaptation of Dune yet. [Page Six]
World's most perfect couple Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up. And the world may never be the same. Streets are cracked, trees suddenly brown and dying. The sun green like a bad yolk, hanging droopily in the sky. Everyone's skin ashen and slack, dogs barking out strangled noises, black flies filling the sky like a bad wind. Everything has just gone to rot, because Katy Perry and John Mayer, the most exquisitely perfect couple any human heart or mind could endeavor to imagine, are no more. It's not clear who broke up with whom, but really that's beside the point. The point is that everything is bleak and blank now, the birds in the air circling down to the ground, the stars at night guttering out like candles, a cold creep of darkness coming, now that the atoms of our warming star have split. [People]
Katie Holmes performed a secret staged reading at the Williamstown Theatre Festival in the Berkshires last week, and according to some theatergoers, she was pretty good. Like, really focused. She's being determined, taking this whole career rejuvenation seriously. Which is respectable! Frankly we're not sure exactly how much raw material there is to work with, but still, hard work counts for something. And she's gonna need to work, if some leaked info about her divorce settlement is to be believed. According to some shadowy someone, Holmes got no lump payout from Tom Cruise's vast reserves of cash, and no spousal support either. All she got was a lousy $400,000 a year in child support, to be paid every year until Suri is 18. That's it. Somehow she has to raise a child on that. Well, she doesn't have to pay for medical stuff or college or anything, that's all up to Tom, but beyond that! A measly $400,000 a year. What is this, communist Belarus? Will Suri be eating her own fingers come winter? She might be if this "rather modest," according to TMZ, amount is the real figure. Oh and she can't send Suri to boarding school, though that provision is less for her and more for Tom, who of course wanted to send Suri to that Scientology school at sea, where they teach you how to talk to dolphins and it's basically seaQuest DSV, I'm pretty sure. [Us Weekly; TMZ]
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