Today in gossip news, Kourtney Kardashian has given birth once more. Also, Justin Bieber makes a desperate 911 call, and Michael Phelps claims he was fat once. Yeah, right.
Hark! Do you see the light shining on the horizon, that dull orange-y strip mall glow that seems to thrum with a terrible pulse? It is the sign that a new Kardashian has been born! Lo the people of the Valley do bow their heads to pay worship to the newest childling born of Kourtney Kardashian, sister of Kim, and her mortal husband Scott Disick. So, OK, technically this new kid, a girl named Penelope who was born yesterday, is a Disick, but her veins do run rich with Kardashian blood. And when she is of age she too will ascend to an enormous-seated throne (to accommodate all the Kardashianness, of course) next to the rest of her kin. They will sit atop Mt. Ararat and cast down spells and enchantments, filling up the E! network programming schedule with shows about themselves as far as the eye can see. Praise! [Us Weekly]
Teen chanteuse Justin Bieber was pulled over for speeding on an L.A. freeway last week, but he claims he was only zooming — at 100 mph! — because he was avoiding paparazzi. During Mr. Bieber's wild ride he called 911, and now TMZ has a recording that 911 call. And here it is. No, no, just kidding. It's past that TMZ link down there. And it's kind of fascinating! Fascinating in that Justin is just a little kid who starts talking to the 911 operator about how it's totally unfair that he got pulled over and the people chasing him didn't, like this lady is the school principal or something. Also there's a moment when the operator doesn't recognize the name of Justin's fancy car, which is funny. Oh and Justin clearly doesn't know L.A. and won't admit that he's lost even when the operator gently asks, "Are you lost, Justin?" It's kind of amazing and human and a little sad in a strange way. Worth a weird listen! [TMZ]
Michael Phelps, a merman made human by the Ursula witch's flotsamy magicks, says that after his record-breaking 8-medal win in Beijing he didn't know what to do with himself and thus became "fat," gaining 25 pounds. Hahaha, right. Michael Phelps gained 25 pounds and was thus fat. In other news I had four, count 'em four, lunches yesterday and then ate cookies for three hours on a train. They'll have to burn the house down with me inside it when I die, just like poor Momma in Gilbert Grape. Stay skinny, Phelpsy boy! Also, what's, um, what's Ryan Lochte like in real life? [Page Six]
Over in Britain all the people are shrugging their shoulders and saying "Oh, OK," because actress Sienna Miller has given birth to her first child. Her fiance, and the father of the child, is the guy on the left in this particularly delightful photograph, so good for ol' Sienna. Remember Sienna Miller, guys? Here's hoping that after she gave birth to her daughter the doctor said "Wait, there's something else in there, and it's... Oh! Oh! It's a script! It's a really good script! Someone's made you an offer, Sienna!" Let's hope that's what happened. [Us Weekly]
Rumer Willis, Idahoan daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, is reportedly dating Jayson Blair. No, no, she's not dating a disgraced plagiarist, no no, nothing like that, it's a totally different Jayson Blair. She's dating a Jayson Blair who was an actor on The Hard Times of R.J. Berger. Oh... wait. A disgraced plagiarist would be wayyyy better than that. Get thee to Virginia, Rumer! [Page Six]
Katie Holmes, fugitive from Tommy Mapother's Funtimes Marriage Reeducation Center (she's divorcing Tom Cruise, guys), is going back to work on a new movie, one she co-wrote, about a single mother. Hmm. Verrrry interesting. Art imitates life, perhaps! In related news, Tom Cruise is going back to work on a new movie that he co-wrote, this one about a sad alien who nobody loves so he goes back to cold, lonely outerspace and everyone on Earth misses him when he's gone, and oh if they'd only been nicer to him maybe he would have stayed, they didn't even know how good they had it but now he's gone so too bad for them, harumph. (In truth, Tom Cruise is working on a movie about aliens. So.) [People]
Rod Blagojevich's brother is writing a tell-all book, apparently. Yeah, it's entitled Who Cares: The Nobody Cares Story and will be released by Fuhgeddaboudit Press in April of never. [Reliable Source]
Teresa Giudice, the feral medusa on Bravo's Real Housewives of New Jersey, is already taking meetings with network execs to reup her contract even though the show hasn't even been renewed for another season yet. She's eager to stay on the show, because of course if she leaves the show then it's back to the circus for her, with that mean man whipping at her and waving that chair in her face. And she just can't have that. Do the right thing, Andy Cohen! Send her to that distant moon where she will only be found by the Prometheus scientists in like two hundred years or something. They'll figure out what to do with her. [Page Six]
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.