Last night was the premiere of a new TLC special Virgin Diaries, a look at some not-quite-40-year-old virgins as they deal with their slightly odd V-card-carrying status. It was, as expected, deeply embarrassing.
There were three roommates, all virgins, who fantasized about meeting their ideal husband (they're all wait-'til-marriage types) as if men occasionally step off the covers of romance novels and into real life or they were going to get their own personal one-woman season of The Bachelor. So they were pretty cringe-inducing. Then there was the 35-year-old fellow who was a virgin but, to hear him tell it, not for lack of trying. He wasn't savin' it or anything, he'd just had bum luck in the past, brought on by shyness and nerves and, well... Let's just say that he might find it easier to close the deal were he more interested in the fairer sex than he seems to be. We'll just leave it there. Pretty awkward!
But nothing on the show, and even in potential future episodes of the show, could be quite as embarrassing, we don't think, as the couple Ryan and Shanna, soon to be newlyweds who were saving everything, even kissing, for marriage. Which is to say that neither of them seemed to have remotely any experience in the adolescent art of tonsil hockey, so when their big day came and Ryan was told he could kiss his bride, well... good grief. Never has a kiss looked so painful.
Like actually painful! They basically smashed their faces into one another and started going to town. At one point in the episode Ryan actually kissed Shanna's extended tongue, because...? Has anyone in the history of kissing ever just kissed someone's tongue? It basically looked like hostile birds regurgitating into each other. It looked like aliens exchanging information via protein strands. It looked like, sigh, two people who'd never kissed before. It was a happy thing for them, so that's all well and good, but man was it embarrassing to watch. It made us wonder, well the other segments made us wonder too, why on earth anyone would go on this particular show? If you're evangelizing about your religion or something, that sorta makes sense, but in the case of being a slightly socially stunted person who just hasn't done it? It seems like you're committing yourself to a life of more virginhood.
Anyway, as the below video suggests, we're not the only ones who were a bit stupefied by Television's Worst Kiss. We'd like to say that if you catch Virgin Diaries on TV in the next little while you should watch it for the many embarrassing kissing scenes, but really, do we want to put that unpleasantness into anyone else's lives? So no recommendation here, just know that it's out there, if you want it.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.