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As frequent readers of The Atlantic Wire know, we're big fans of Larry David, and enjoy the Curb Your Enthusiasm creator in just about anything, even if it also happens to feature Paul Reiser. So it goes without saying that we gobbled up his essay in the Shouts & Murmurs section of the new issue of The New Yorker (his first appearance in the magazine) on coming to terms with being a mediocre golfer. Even working within the magazine's strict house style guidelines, he gets off some vintage David lines in the piece, including:

  • "There was a time when I was always angry on the course. Driving fast in the cart. Throwing clubs. Constantly berating myself. 'You stink, four-eyes! You stink at everything. You can’t even open a bottle of wine! You can’t swipe a credit card at the drugstore! You can’t swipe. And you’ve never even been to the Guggenheim. The Guggenheim! And call your parents, you selfish bastard!'"
  • "I didn’t care, and I didn’t particularly care about the next shot, either. I felt liberated, not unlike the way I felt when my wife left me, except this time I didn’t take up skipping."
  • "What kind of God won’t let me hit the ball? What did I ever do to Him? He took my hair, I didn’t complain. I joked about it! I was a model bald man."

If the piece never quite reaches the comic greatness of the tongue-in-cheek editorials David has written for the New York Times in recent years on the subject of Brokeback Mountain ("I love gay people. Hey, I've got gay acquaintances), Deep Throat's identity ("I knew Deep Throat. When I was a student in Washington, we met by chance one afternoon in an underground parking facility. I had just come from the allergist and was having a bad reaction to an allergy shot, which for me meant screaming at the top of my lungs, 'That freaking shot hurt!'") and life in the National Guard ("In the summer we would go away to camp for two weeks. It felt more like three. I wondered if I'd ever see my parakeet again. We slept on cots and ate in the International House of Pancakes. I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish"), chalk it up to his being new.

Plus, it's still the funniest thing we've read all day.

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