The ceremony is still 30 minutes away, but we're ready to declare Fox's Shepard Smith the winner for best wedding preamble coverage. The only way things could possibly get better would be if a car chase suddenly broke out. Make no mistake: if you're going to gently mock the royal wedding hoopla (while also not really minding it), this is how you do it. Some of Smith's greatest hits, from just the last 30 minutes.
On Elton John entering the church
"Look at Elton. You talk about dressing up for the day. Good grief!...Listen to 'em, they're going nuts for the guy."
On Fox breaking for commercials
"We're about to take a quick commercial break so we don't have to take any more once the wedding begins...[Begins speaking in jolly English accent] This is Fox News channel's continuing coverage of the royal wedding. Can't believe you're up this early."
On guests arriving via bus
"You know you don't rate very well if you're going to have get on a Coach to come to the wedding...I wonder if they have a kegger in the back there. The only time I've ever ridden on a bus on the way to a wedding, you're like a best man or something, and they'll have a keg in the back and somebody's got a boombox on there. I kind of doubt it's like that in there."
On seeing some people he didn't recognize
"Look at this. They're all so royal, aren't they? Look at these people. Do you know these people? The [elderly woman in a purple dress] on the left there is wearing Nana's Rose's color, the color her bathroom used to be. Nana died in '77. There's another Nana color on this one. "
On a very pregnant woman
"She's great with child again, isn't she?"
On a lady wearing a funny hat
"Look at this flytrap thing on her face. No, I'm just guessing at some point you're going to look back on this and say 'Good grief. I blocked half my face with that thing.'"
On what's about to happen
"Prince William and Prince Habby--eh, Prince Harry-- are about to arrive at the Abbey. It's a tongue twister morning. [Sees the lady with the funny hat again] And this lady with hat on side of face is everywhere! She's going to turn out to be important and I'm going to get in trouble for talking about her."
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.