"Love the Way You Lie," the latest single from Eminem's Recovery, may be one of the more affecting tracks he's ever written. In the song, he returns once again to the subject of his 20-year-long, on-and-off relationship with his ex-wife, Kim Mathers. That particular well never runs dry, apparently. Previous songs about Kim were exercises in brutality; they're almost unspeakably hard to listen to. Even reading the lyrics can give you nightmares.
In this outing, Eminem turns the anger and accusations toward himself. He admits to hitting Kim. "I'm so ashamed," he says at one point. And: "It's the rage that took over, it controls you both, so they say it's best to go your separate ways. Guess that they don't know ya, cause today that was yesterday." Taken alone, it's enough to convince the listener that he's truly repentant for his years of hating and hurting the women in his life. But it can't be taken alone, or apart from the context of his work. That moment of repentance and self-blame is genuinely tragic, and moving. But it's only a moment, and a disingenuous one at that.
The song was seemingly designed to be written about, what with the Rihanna guest appearance (and the award for Most Exploitative Use of a Domestic Violence Survivor goes to...) and the video,href> starring Megan Fox as a woman in a mutually abusive relationship with a very troubled hobbit. But, at least in my experience, the oh-so-bloggable controversy has actually opened up several remarkably genuine conversations about toxic and abusive relationships.
It feels safer to believe that one person will always come out of the relationship with clean hands, and that only monsters hurt people. But this belief can actually make it harder for victims to get out of abusive situations. Abusers are human; so are the people they abuse. Both parties are capable of feeling and inflicting pain. If we can't envision abusers as anything less than monstrous, or if we require victims to be perfect, then identifying and escaping abuse becomes that much harder. None of this is any excuse for abuse, because there is no excuse for that; still, maybe just because of its basis in well-known abuse cases, "The Way You Lie" has become a way for many people to discuss the ways in which our picture of abuse sometimes diverges from the reality. And that discussion is important.