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To: Galactic Consciousness Overlord, Version 17.6
From: Giles Dub
Assistant Researcher, 3rd Class
Subsection RU2BZ2C, Bureau of New Species,
Cultural Studies Department
Ministry of Intergalactic Affairs
Subject: Unclassified Planet Consciousness Memorandum
Greetings, Your Excellency!
On behalf of all 42,316 drones of Subsection RU2BZ2C, it gives me great pleasure to announce the completion of our fact-finding tour to Unclassified Planet IH82B2 Sirius—known to its inhabitants as "Earth."
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As Your Excellency is surely aware, the Cultural Studies Department investigates the religious beliefs of all newly discovered species to determine the feasibility of their absorption into the Galactic Collective Consciousness. Unfortunately our recent study of the highly popular Earth-being religion Major League Baseball suggests that the planet's dominant species—a semi-gelatinous, endoskeletal, sexually-reproducing biped—is not sufficiently evolved for consciousness absorption. Nevertheless, we do believe the religion of baseball deserves more study, offering a, rare, fascinating look inside a primitive belief system.
Essentially, the religion of baseball is based on the hurling of a small, white orb that represents the sins of believers, and the attempt to expiate those sins by the ritualized touching of three small white squares. Two bands of warrior-priests wage an intricate, highly symbolic battle to see who can cleanse the most of their followers' sins.