Matt Zoller Seitz is assigned to review Oprah's new network, OWN ... on New Year's Day. Hilarity ensues:

Just in time to stop me from weaving a noose from nylon recycling twine and scrawling a farewell note, the OWN theme song ends and celebrity chef and domestic goddess Cristina Ferrare materializes to shill her series "Big Bowl of Love" (weekdays at 3:30/2:30 PM central). "When I bring a bowl or a platter to the table, I really mean it," she says. "I'm bringing a big bowl of love!" It sounds like a threat. She repeats the show's title 20 times within the space of three minutes.

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