Folksy Old Testament Wrath

by Conor Friedersdorf

"Sporting polished black cowboy boots, Mr. Huckabee struck a tone of folksy humor mingled with Old Testament wrath to analyze the current state of the Republican party." – Brian Stewart, writing at NRO

Okay, recalling Huck's last GOP covention speech, here's what I imagine it was like:

In my little hometown of Hope, Arkansas, the very heartland of our great nation, the adults used to sit up on the porches in wooden rocking chairs and tell us kids, "Behold, I will send swarms of flies upon thee, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people, and into thy houses!" And that's the kind of passion we need going into 2012.


The GOP needs workers too.

My own father held down two jobs, barely affording the little rented house I grew up in. My Dad worked hard, lifted heavy things, and got his hands dirty, except on the tenth day of the seventh month, which he held sacred to avoid being destroyed from among his people by a fiery plague of terror. Like him, I will work hard for my party and my country. Also like him, I'll take certain vacation days.

The only soap we had at my house was Lava. Heck, I was in college before I found out it wasn’t supposed to hurt to take a shower. Though unlike some of my possible primary opponents, I always knew that showering with another man's wife would necessitate her death by stoning. Given the nomination I'd help the GOP avoid that kind of spectacle.

And if anyone threatens the liberty of Americans when I am commander in chief, I won't triple Gitmo, like my good friend Mitt. I will send wasting famine against them, consuming pestilence and deadly plague; I will send against them the fangs of wild beasts, the venom of vipers that glide in the dust.

[End excerpt]