by Chris Bodenner

This reader responds to Savage:

I don’t and didn’t mean to make moral judgments about sexual non-monogamy.  If I were making moral judgments, they would be about honesty, trust or lack thereof, abusiveness of various kinds, etc.  I ended my comments with “More power to them,” which Dan Savage seems to have missed or chosen to ignore.  It wasn’t meant sarcastically.

One point I was trying to make, and perhaps didn’t make very well, was that sexual monogamy is something of a red herring.  Other readers who wrote in with stories of making non-monogamy work -- whether in practice or, so far, just in theory -- included what I came to think is the crucial element: what I call monogamy of decision-making.  For me, sexual non-monogamy was the apparent problem, but it was lack of clarity and consensus about what the relationships really were that was the real problem.

I don’t suppose Dan Savage has any intentions of shutting up; why should I?  In my earlier years, it was the non-monogamists who wouldn’t shut up about how superior open relationships were.  I could spend the rest of my life talking about this without redressing the balance.

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