Sullivan-banner-beard

A reader writes:

I love you and understand your fascination with beards/bears, but your current bushiness is not flattering. I say this as a fan and one who thinks you are pretty sexy looking (even though I'm a girl). Manscape!

I'm sorry but manscaping is a dirty word to me. Another writes:

OMG. Just saw you on Colbert.  If I lived near you I would break in to your home and pour out all of your Just For Men. Go natural!

I just watched the video. It's not that bad. When it's thick it always looks darker. And my beard is actually pretty dark anyway. Am I sounding sad? Desperate? Another:

It was a little disconcerting not seeing your mouth while you spoke.

Three words: get over it. Another:

Was that a beard, or did a beaver die on your face? 

What am I saying?  You'd never let a beaver anywhere near your face.

Another:

That bush on your face is now completely mono-coloured and no longer looks 3 dimensional.  In fact, that singular coloured beard of yours now looks like a giant black hole has consumed the lower half of your face.  Haven't you always winced when you saw old men with solid black or brown hair without a single shade of contrast rippling throughout that head of hair -- which of course is the instant tell-tale sign that they've had their hair dyed -- and obviously dyed by a non-professional??   It looks unreal.  And forced.

You looked waaaaaay cooler and hotter with the grey streaks here and there.  You can still dye it, but lose the Just For Men stuff.  Let the beard grow out all the mono-dark hair until the grey returns and then go to a PROFESSIONAL who will touch up your beard to diminish the grey and even replace it with colours and tones belonging to the same family as your original hair colour.  

And Andrew, I know you're a bear and I celebrate your beardom, but you have a beautiful and cheeky smile, and there's nothing less appealing than to not be able to see someone's lips. Your upper lip is now gone, having been been consumed by hair above your lip which seems to be residing partially over your lip and inside your mouth.  

For the love of gawd, trim that shrub down a little!

What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?

And where do I find a professional beard colorist? Has beardom managed to create that market?