Everyone Throw Your Purple Eggs at the ‘Under the Dome’ Finale

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A light? A FREAKIN’ LIGHT!? That’s what you’re giving me as you wrap things up for another year, Under the Dome? After 13 episodes of barefaced insanity (or is that inanity), Dome wrapped up another cataclysmic year with the town finally going into the caves in an effort to escape the contracting Dome. I might point out that I advocated this position several weeks ago. The second you find a way out from under the Dome, it’s time to go. But there was lots of dilly-dallying, and then Big Jim threw the egg into the cave, and it sealed things up, and oh I don’t even want to talk about all this nonsense anymore.

The weird thing about the Dome finale is it read the same as every other week of the show. It was as if the writers, who have been pulling the laziest plot-stalling stunts I’ve ever seen, were just rolling out another week of crap before someone at CBS poked their head in and reminded them episode 13 was the last one. “Oh, man! I guess they had better do something!” So Big Jim went on a lame rampage, killing another couple of ladies (including teacher Rebecca, who literally no one shed one tear for) and threatening to wreak vengeance on the Dome for taking his wife from him.

Big Jim, listen up: It’s a DOME. It’s a freakin’ DOME. It’s not listening to you! It didn’t tell you to be a good person, and it’s not telling you to be a bad one. Oh, sure, maybe someone put the Dome there and is watching you, but Big Jim’s been the same psycho since day one. He’s not going to fool the Dome into thinking he’s good, and he’s not going to scare it by waving a gun around. I cheered when Junior shot him, but groaned when the wound was in the shoulder. We’re not losing Dean Norris, guys.

Oh, and if anyone was remotely worried that season three isn’t happening: that ending. Barbie finally gets the town to lower itself into the caves and try and escape, only for them to reach a wall. But then, Barbie…touches the wall…and it dissolves…and there’s Egg Girl, telling them they’re going home. Into a bright white light. What’s the opposite of satisfying? Because Egg Girl leading our heroes into lord-knows-where is the epitome of not-satisfying. It’s just a bunch more egg-nonsense and vague mysticism with no attempt to ground anything in the characters. They’re stuck under a Dome? So put them somewhere else? Where? Oh, I dunno, the magic Egg Girl can be involved, we’ll figure the rest out next season.

I’d call it insulting if the joke wasn’t on me for watching this show. And yes, it’s been fun laughing along at all the ridiculousness—Pauline’s crazy-person paintings, Rebecca’s fascist belief in science, the Teens’ moony-eyed love stories, Big Jim and Julia’s never-ending battle over who can be more incompetent. I don’t think the CBS announcement is in yet, but we’ll find out wherever Egg Girl is leading Barbie and his cohort next summer. Maybe it’s under a new dome. Maybe it’s Zenith. Maybe it’s the twelfth circle of hell. Maybe it’s the flash-sideways universe. One thing is for sure: it won’t be satisfying. Also, there’ll be pink eggs and butterflies.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.