Your Guide to the Predictable Programming of Shark Week

Look, there are gonna be a lot of sharks. What more do you need to know?

Before reading about what you'll see during Shark Week, you know what you'll see during Shark Week. Namely, sharks. You will see lots of sharks. Megalodon sharks. Hammerhead sharks. Mega sharks. This week of Discovery Channel programming is a veritable hurricane* of sharks.

*Not a tornado; Discovery doesn't have the rights to the shark tornado movie. Don't remind them, it's a sore spot.

Though we missed last night's debut of Shark Week – spoiler: there were sharks –there are still six full days of programming ahead. What can you expect from the next few nights? (Sharks.) And how shark will each program be? (Pretty shark!)

Monday

Jaws Strikes Back – 9 p.m.

This one's a bit of a misnomer: it's a documentary about Dr. Greg Skomal filming the biggest great white sharks on Guadalupe Island. It's only related to the Jaws films in the vaguest sense.

How shark will it be? Big – but not brand name – shark.

Monster Hammerhead – 10 p.m.

There's a Floridian rumor that for the past six decades, there's been a 20-foot hammerhead shark swimming around. Some anglers and scientists will spend an hour trying to find it.

How shark will it be? Possibly mythical shark.

Shark After Dark – 11 p.m.

This late-night special – hosted by comedian Josh Wolf – will be on every night from Monday through Thursday, but in the interest of brevity we're only listing it once. Basically, Wolf and some guests talk about sharks for an hour live, because AMC's Talking Dead and Talking Bad have forced us into a world of affable white guy comics hosting pointless after-shows.

How shark will it be? Chris Hardwick shark.

Tuesday

Alien Sharks: Return to the Abyss – 9 p.m.

Have you ever wanted to see what a ghost shark looks like? The synopsis for this installment is promising "a glimpse" of one on camera. Unclear why said "glimpse" is going to take an hour to get to.

How shark will it be? Are You Afraid of the Shark?

Lair of the Mega Sharks – 10 p.m.

Noted shark "experts" Jeff Kerr and Andy Casagrande go on a hunt for a 20-foot great white shark – notice how all the legendary big sharks are 20 feet long? Anyway, this one is in New Zealand, which is a good bit better than Florida.

How shark will it be? Coincidentally similarly sized shark.

Wednesday

Zombie Sharks – 9 p.m.

Eli Martinez, a shark diver, sets out to learn more about tonic immobility, a sort of catatonic moment seen in sharks. One of the only shows that has a pretty specific, educational angle – so, of course, it's dressed up as Zombie Sharks. Was Zombie Jaws too on the nose, guys?

How shark will it be? The More You Know shark.

Spawn of Jaws: The Birth – 10 p.m.

And speaking of non-Jaws: Dr. Michael Domeier studies a great white shark in the two years surrounding her pregnancy. Domeier's goal is to learn about the species' pupping grounds – a mystery not likely to be uncovered in the span of an hour. (Sorry for being a killjoy.)

How shark will it be? Lofty goals shark.

Thursday

I Escaped Jaws 2 – 9 p.m.

Seriously? Ugh, OK, this one's a compilation of interviews where people talk about surviving shark attacks. They did not survive Jaws. When did "Jaws" become this blanket term for anything having to do with sharks?

How shark will it be? Duplicitous shark.

Sharkageddon – 10 p.m.

This show – the title of which is not at all an allusion to another program that mashes up the words "shark" and a perilous event, heavens no – takes us to Hawaii and to learn about tiger sharks. There's been a spike in tiger shark attacks – and surfer Kala Alexander wants to find out why.

How shark will it be? Hawaiian episode of The Brady Bunch shark.

Friday

Megalodon: The Extended Cut – 8 p.m.

This is a two-hour sequel to the possibly fake Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives that kicked off Shark Week last year. It's been buried on Friday, but Collin Drake will still be sharing his new nonsense evidence of the prehistoric megalodon shark.

How shark will it be? Potentially falsified shark.

Megalodon: The New Evidence – 10 p.m.

Just a shortened version of the 8 p.m. show, nothing to see here.

How shark will it be? Unnecessary shark.

Saturday

Great White Matrix – 9 p.m.

It's the final show of the week! And kind of a bland one. Casagrande and Paul de Gelder, the latter of whom survived a shark attack, go to Australia to investigate other attacks. It's all fine, but we feel like we've been here before. It's hard to keep things fresh and exciting this late into Shark Week, you know?

How shark will it be? Warmed-up leftover shark.