Have you seen Gravity? Or Star Trek? Or the newer trilogy of Star Wars movies? Mash those all together in your mind, add Ariana Grande and Zedd, and remove sense. Congratulations, you mentally created the same "Break Free" video Ariana and her team made in real life.
What happened here? As a video for a month-old single that has since been replaced by two newer releases, this had an uphill climb already. Additionally, after filming the video in mid-July, Ariana alluded to delays in post-production on Twitter. Since then, she's released two new singles. But even the most troubled productions shouldn't have created ... this.
Since this is the Internet in 2014, let's break down why this is such a hilarious failure with GIFs. There's certainly enough visual weirdness to go around.
So we start with the same Star Wars-esque scroll we saw in the "Break Free" lyric video. The scroll promises us it will be "two steps ahead of modern day sexiness," and hoo boy, it's definitely two steps ahead of something.
Our heroine appears! In a really terribly green-screened wide shot!
As far as we can tell (plot clarity is not a priority for the "Break Free" video), Ariana is a heroine come to save the alien captives on a distant planet.
Ariana shoots down the two guards with ease. The caged alien right next to her during her ambush fails to react at all to the tiny girl with the big ponytail and white boots shooting two reptilian aliens. This planet's people are apparently not very expressive.
But Ariana's battles are not over yet! After freeing the prisoners, she fights off the other guards by ducking at a convenient time ...
... and by shooting missiles out of her breasts.
Just, one more time, to clarify: Ariana Grande, former Nickelodeon star, launches heavy artillery generated from her bosom at her alien foes.
Now, we as a culture have never seen anyone launch something from their breasts before, and certainly not in the context of a pop music video. Heavens, no. But if someone were to have done that before, it probably would not have been freaking missiles. Don't mess with Ariana, is what we're saying.
Anyway, continuing with the "story."
Ariana is momentarily captured by this man – who is working hard for that SAG/AFTRA card – and put in chains. But, within seconds, she breaks the chains (you could even say she breaks free) and pushes him into a molten lava pit.
Then we see Ariana writhe around in her space shuttle ...
... and apply space lipstick ...
... on her way to da club! Zedd, who's the featured DJ on this song, pretty much sticks to bouncing around adorably at his table. Zedd knows his limits. Zedd is the opposite of the "Break Free" video.
One thing to remember here is that Ariana Grande is kind of a terrible dancer! It's not her fault, poor thing, but even the camera doesn't care about what she's doing. It keeps zooming back and forth between the backup dancers. And, of course, it makes time to introduce us to the inexplicable alien elephant chilling on the ship:
Bless her, Ariana sees that little alien elephant and tries to make it work:
But even their combined adorableness still can't explain why the damn elephant exists. So the camera finally makes time to watch Ariana dance, and, well, oh dear.
You kick those legs, girl! Do what you can! Honorable mention!
Feeling all danced out and realizing that Zedd has got it all figured out, Ariana joins him up in the booth and just bops along while wearing her totally not product placed Beats headphones.
Our heroine and her scruffy sidekick then pilot the ship right on through the galaxies, onto what will hopefully be a much better "Bang Bang" video.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
We want to hear what you think about this article. Submit a letter to the editor or write to email@example.com.