Here Are All Of Germany's Goals vs. Brazil, Jaunty Names Included

Those poor unfortunate souls.

Has everyone been enjoying the World Cup semi-final match so far? For those of you who need catching up, Germany scored five goals against Brazil in the first 29 minutes, which is a liiiitle unusual, especially when you consider Brazil is supposed to be good at soccer. Here's a recap of that exciting half hour, in gif form:

UPDATE: FIFA has informed us that the GIFs we posted of the eight goals from the Germany-Brazil match are "copyrighted material" and are "an infringement of FIFA’s rights." So we've replaced them each with a GIF of a flying burrito. If you want to see the goals again, you can watch them all here without upsetting FIFA. 

Goal One, 11 Mins, Thomas Muller—The Hopalong Cassidy 

A jaunty tap from Muller goes through the Brazillian goalie's legs. Oh man, Brazil is 1-0 down early! But the crowd is behind them, so most pundits expect them to roar back.

Goal Two, 23 Mins, Miroslav Klose—The Record Setter

Klose fires it past the flailing corpse of the goalie to capture the all-time World Cup scoring record.

Goal Three, 24 Mins, Toni Kroos—The "Eh, Why Not?"

At this point, Germany begins to realize that maybe Brazil forgot how to defend against the ball being kicked towards their goal.

Goal Four, 26 Mins, Toni Kroos Again—The Show-Off

Alright, Toni, we get it buddy, you can score goals. But against a goalie standing sideways and flexing his knees at him.

Goal Five, 29 Mins, Sami Khedira—The Ennui Bullet

At this point, Brazil has more important things to contemplate. Will their loss destabilize its government in the coming elections? Will the crowds exit quietly or consternate in the streets? Will the team be lifted out of the stadium by helicopter to go begin their life in exile? Sure, go ahead Germany, kick the ball into the goal. Who even cares anymore.

Goal Six, 69 Mins, André Schürrle—The "Ooh, We Changed Sides!"

Hey, there's a whole new goal for Germany to kick the ball into! Wheeeeee!

Goal Seven, 79 Mins, André Schürrle Again—The Irrelevant Wonder Goal

Goal Eight, 90 Mins, Oscar—The "Aww" Heard Round the World

Brazil gets to score a goal! Good for you, Oscar! You probably aren't bummed out at all!