"At 24% she can control the cells in her body," says Morgan Freeman's scientician/explainer. At 40% she can control matter." So what else can she do on her perilous road to 100% brain function? Here at The Wire, we've obtained an exclusive report.
An Inventory of Lucy's Higher Functions, by Percentage of Brain Accessed
At 11% Lucy gets verified on Twitter without having to prove she’s employed by a major media company.
At 12% she stops messing up "you're" and "your."
At 13% she stops messing up “it's” and “its.”
At 14% she can perfectly time her DVR buffering so her program ends exactly on the hour.
At 18% she can hail a green borough cab in Manhattan.
At 23% she can binge-watch both seasons of Orange Is the New Black in just under ten hours.
At 26% she can make George R. R. Martin finish writing A Song of Ice and Fire, though she declines to do so, because she’s a troll.
At 29% she can save Sony's Spider-Man franchise.
At 32% she tweets about how today is the Back to the Future day and is actually correct.
At 34% she solves the mystery of the Dome.
At 35% she knows what you did last summer.
At 42% she no longer feels panic.
At 43% she no longer feels FOMO.
At 46% she becomes the embodiment of YOLO in human form while still making sure to credit Drake for inventing the term.
At 48.15162342% she can answer all your questions about Lost.
At 49% she brings back the clear-cola craze.
At 50% she can make Benedict Cumberbatch look less like the back of someone's thumb.
At 51% she can stop reading the comments.
At 55% she can fix Ryan Reynolds' career.
At 56% she can fix Preserve.
At 57% she breaks Ryan Reynolds' career again just because.
At 63% she learns what Solange said in that elevator, but she never tells anyone else except Wendy Williams, who she convinces to keep it to herself.
At 64% she saves Jay and Bey's marriage.
At 66% she can tell exactly how ironic people are being on Twitter.
At 69% she can make out all Ariana Grande lyrics.
At 70% she can get served at the Apple genius bar just by showing up unannounced.
At 71% she is the Apple genius bar.
At 74% she becomes one with the wind and sky.
At 78% she totally gets what Tilda Swinton has been trying to do all these years.
At 79% she totally gets what Kate Bush has been trying to do all these years.
At 80% she correctly determines the next ten years of People’s Sexiest Man Alive.
At 82% she wins the World Series playing third base for the Chicago Cubs.
At 84% she makes unicorns real, "just for fun."
At 86% she can kill all germs without making them resistant to antibiotics.
At 90% she can alter the course of human history, and so Lauren Conrad goes to Paris at the end of season 1 of The Hills.
At 93% she solves world hunger.
At 94% she solves cultural appropriation.
At 95% she eats the world for sustenance.
At 96% she re-forms Pangea because she'd rather walk.
At 97% she brings back dinosaurs.
At 98% she brings back Dinosaurs.
At 99% she gets to hang out at Taylor Swift's house whenever she wants.
At 100%? I have no idea.