A Viewer's Guide to Weekend Movies: All The Apes Love Sandy Bullock

Because whether you want to stay in or go out to the movies this weekend, you’re probably gonna be seeing a lot of apes and Sandra Bullock.

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What’s your stance on apes? Pro-ape? Anti-ape? Ape-ambivalent? What about Sandra Bullock, how do you feel about her? Because whether you want to stay in or go out to the movies this weekend, you’re probably gonna be seeing a lot of them both.

In Theaters

Back to apes: You love them, right? Good! Because Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is great. Our David Sims calls it “a robustly-told story of our sad tendency to escalate towards violence, even when armed with all our supposed intelligence.” It’s the only wide release this week – reminiscent of Transformers: Age of Extinction’s solo show at the box office two weeks ago. But unlike the big robots, the apes are making good on their end, with a 91 percent score on Rotten Tomatoes. So go see some apes!

In Limited Release

OK, let’s say you don’t love apes. That’s weird, to be perfectly honest, but you do you. Why don’t you go check out Richard Linklater’s 12-year epic Boyhood instead? It’s got a 100 percent rating on RT, and we can vouch for how good it is. If you’re not sold, read Esther Zuckerman’s interview with star Ellar Coltrane. Plus, it’s about humans, and considering your already clear feelings about apes, this might be more your taste.

Elsewhere in limited release, there’s Land Ho!, which is a road trip comedy starring two 60-something men. It looks cute, and has a solid 69 percent on RT.

Movies on TV

HBO is premiering Alfonso Cuarón’s Oscar magnet Gravity on Saturday at 8 p.m. So if you want to spend an hour and a half with Sandra Bullock’s terrified face in outer space, feel free! But Sandy’s a cool girl, so she’s showing up a little early with a 6 p.m. showing of Miss Congeniality 2. It’s not her best work (unlike the original Miss Congeniality, which is a masterpiece), but she showed up early just for you. It’s polite to put on a smile and be nice to her and say that her hair looked really good! And it reminded you of the first one so much – hey, do you wanna go watch that one on DVD? That’d be so fun!

If you’re feuding with Sandra (she knows what she did), just give Reese Witherspoon a call and watch Legally Blonde on Showtime tonight at 9:25 p.m. She knows you like the first film best, anyway. None of that Red, White and Blonde nonsense here. Plus, you can watch her in the Wild trailer over and over after you’re done. That’s what we’ll be doing, anyway.

Video on Demand

Did you not see Snowpiercer in theaters when we recommended it to you weeks ago? For shame! Luckily for you, it’s now also available on demand, so you don’t have to get up from your couch to watch Tilda Swinton be spectacular.

Also, the Jason Bateman movie about the spelling bee you once saw that trailer for and wondered why it looked so bad is out. It’s called Bad Words, so more power to you if you want to make that choice.

Streaming on Netflix

A few options this week on Netflix, but we’ll highlight a few classics. First, you’ve got 12 Angry Men, if you’re in the mood to watch Henry Fonda convince people that a man on trial may not be guilty. If you’re a “less talk, more fight” kind of guy, Netflix has The Karate Kid on tap for you – the original, not the Jaden Smith remake. We’d never be so awful as to recommend a Jaden Smith movie to you. Finally, Sharon Stone heard about your fun plans with Sandra and is a little upset with you for not including her. Best watch Basic Instinct with her to make up for it.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.