1:40 p.m.: Germany doesn't care and is still trying like hell to get into our box, but the U.S. defense locks them down.
1:38 p.m.: Portugal scores, and America breathes a sigh of relief. Now Ghana or Portugal need to score a TON in the last ten minutes to knock us out.
1:36 p.m.: Everyone really seems exhausted out there. Ian Darke is there to remind us for the fortieth time that no matter how insane it seems, the U.S. can advance if they have more points than Ghana or Portugal. I know this is mathematically complicated.
1:33 p.m.: It's a Civil War battlefield out there.
1:26 p.m.: America should try to score a goal, not just knock the ball between themselves. They can't rely on that Ghana/Portugal result holding.
1:20 p.m.: The U.S. didn't get an obvious foul called for them, and then Beckerman made an idiotic challenge and got a yellow card, and oh God it's all starting to feel very bad. Also Ian Darke just pointed out a 3-1 Ghana win would knock us out. So would a 2-1 win, you berk.
1:17 p.m.: The pizza is starting to turn on me.
1:15 p.m.: Ghana have equalized. If that holds, "U.S. could lose this 5-0 and still go through," says Darke. Well, let's not go ahead and do that, though. If Ghana scores again, the U.S. will start to sweat.
1:12 p.m.: Howard makes a fantastic save but can't do anything about the bullet follow-up from Thomas Muller. Germany leads 1-0. "AND NOW THE TENSION IS RACKED UP," Darke yells. Germany were pressing so, so hard for that goal.
1:11 p.m.: Michael Bradley's head is the shape and texture of a lima bean. Prove me wrong.
1:09 p.m.: Germany gets the ball in for Klose, who heads it just wide. Murderous thoughts building.
1:06 p.m.: Whoever's doing that "Seven Nation Army" chant in the stands, cut it out.
1:05 p.m.: We're back! Miroslav Klose is subbed on for Germany. HE'S A SCARY MAN. Germany starts out with a good chance, but Gonzalez heads it clear. Nice job.
12:46 p.m.: Halftime. I have eaten more slices of pizzas than there are atoms in the observable universe.
12:45 p.m.: Michael Bradley, I feel for you, but if you don't want this country to turn on you, STOP BOBBLING EVERY CHANCE THAT COMES TO YOUR FEET.
12:41 p.m.: That was one of the most abhorrent corner kicks I've ever seen. It's called practicing your set-pieces, guys.
12:37 p.m.: Bradley gets it ahead to Dempsey, who's alone in the box with two German defenders and can't do anything about it. Then Gonzalez gets a yellow card for a tough challenge on Schweinensteiger.
12:34 p.m.: A WORTHY save there from Howard. Germany are back on the attack after ten minutes on their heels.
12:32 p.m.: Not to plug another website, but FIFA's live blog is amusing in its formal approach. "MÜLLER (Germany) is adjudged to be in an offside position."
12:30 p.m.: Portugal scored! Which is good news for America, because Ghana has better goal difference and Portugal got thumped by Germany.