Kelly Rowland Pregnant with Future Personal Assistant to Blue Ivy

Today in celebrity gossip: The former Destiny's Child member is destined to have a child, Justin Bieber pined after Selena Gomez on Instagram again, and J.Lo found a new dancer hunk to climb around on.

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Today in celebrity gossip: The former Destiny's Child member is destined to have a child, Justin Bieber pined after Selena Gomez on Instagram again, and J.Lo found a new dancer hunk to climb around on.

Blue Ivy Carter, the infant daughter of Beyoncé and Jay Z, has a lot going for her. The composite genetic material of two of the music industry's most talented people. Wealth, so much wealth. One, perhaps two Power Wheels. Maybe even more than two Power Wheels, that would not be surprising, to be honest. The fact is, the life of Blue Ivy is an enviable one indeed. But it is FAR from perfect. For one thing, Blue Ivy has no siblings, which, yes, means that there's currently no risk of a more attractive and talented sister relegating her to the proverbial Solange role in her family. But it also means she doesn't have a permanent entourage she can refer to as "ma gurls" in her future song lyrics or who will appear in her future music videos or take future selfies with her when the future clubs are future jumpin'-jumpin'. What I'm saying is, Blue Ivy needs a posse. Well! It appears that former Destiny's Child Kelly Rowland has heeded that need (or at least has moved to honor a Beyoncé-decreed legal obligation) and has become pregnant! That's right, following her whirlwind romance, Skype engagement, and under-publicized wedding to a gentleman named Tim Witherspoon, Kelly Rowland has announced her pregnancy on Instagram! The cryptic announcement was really just a pair of baby Air Jordans next to a regular-sized pair and the caption "I'll be stuntin like my daddy." That's about it as far as pregnancy confirmations, though, so please be advised this entire incident miiight just be an example of a woman buying baby clothes for herself before getting pregnant. Would you put that sort of thing past Kelly Rowland? Don't answer that. Let's just assume she's pregnant. But I know what you're thinking: How exactly could a possible boy-child become the first member of Blue Ivy's "ma gurls"? That is for you and your outdated gender notions to work through. Congratulations to Kelly Rowland and Blue Ivy Carter! May the future Rowland-Witherspoon child be as fastidious at signing non-disclosure agreements as he/she will be at carrying out Starbucks orders. [Us Weekly]

While we're talking about the Carter family, let's get something straight about Jay Z: He did NOT cheat on Beyoncé with a castmember from the reality show Princesses: Long Island. According to her lawsuit filed against Bauer Media Group (publisher of In Touch and a few other rags), Casey Cohen demands an apology and full retraction of the dirty, dirty lies they've been spreading about an alleged sexual romance with Jay Z. While the woman did indeed meet Jay Z in person while working as a restaurant hostess in NYC (basic cable reality TV doesn't always pay very well), she draws the line at In Touch's allegations that she attempted to wreck Beyoncé's home or cause Solange to beat up Jay Z in an elevator. Casey Cohen did not do those things, dear reader. And if anybody can be trusted to set the record straight it's TMZ. [TMZ]

It's been a while since Justin Bieber has behaved like a relatably vulnerable, heartsick teen on Instagram, but yesterday the world's most famous Pleasure Island background character Instagrammed and then quickly deleted a photo of himself with ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez along with the caption "Our love is unconditional." Fans immediately began to speculate whether this meant they were back together, or perhaps Bieber was merely trying to will this possibility into being. But it's the "unconditional" part that gives ME pause. Does this mean Bieber was showing support for Gomez after she'd done something really terrible? And can we somehow tie this thing into Miley Cyrus' possibly retribution-laced actions toward Gomez in concert recently? And how does this all relate to the time Selena Gomez unfollowed all of her friends on Instagram? Guys, what is going ON with Selena Gomez? She's taking on a mysterious, unknowable, shadowy persona lately. Has she begun dabbling in the dark arts also? And what happens when Selena Gomez really starts to put Justin Bieber's "unconditional" label to the test? Will any of us be safe? Everybody meet me in the panic room. [Us Weekly]

I'm pleased to report that Jennifer "J.Lo" Lopez has already moved on from the tragic dissolution of her perfect romance with backup dancer Casper Smart and is rumored to be dating open-shirted Dancing With the Stars hunkbot Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Page Six's reporting and evidence about this are basically a 'just trust us' type situation, but they add that J.Lo first met Chmerkovskiy during rehearsals for an American Music Awards bit they did last year. Since both had significant others at the time "nothing happened," but I guess we can now assume that 'something' is 'happening.' What, exactly? Page Six remains mum. Anyway, that's fine. Good luck, everybody. [Page Six]

It is probably a bad idea to spend too much time thinking about how much money celebrities spend on normal things or even how much money they even make in general. For one thing, many of them make so much money the figure doesn't even make rational sense and it's more of a concept than a meaningful value. But another thing is that even when they attempt to be frugal, they still make us look like sewer people. Take this, I guess, charming interview Keira Knightley gave to Glamour in which she brags that she limits her annual pocket money to only $50,000 so that she can better relate to commoners: "I think living an [expensive] lifestyle means you can't hang out with people who don't live that lifestyle. It alienates you." That is a fine and noble goal, and yes, it probably most likely does keep Keira Knightley in touch with the very humans she seeks to portray in film. On the other hand, ughhh this feels terrible, we are all such poor, penny-pinching, check-to-check trash, all of us. Sigh. Welp, it's back to hookin' for me. [Us Weekly]

Here is Justin Bieber posing with a presumably very expensive piece of garbage that his manager bought for him:

Meanwhile Lindsay Lohan is somewhere in London smelling her hand:

Here's a selfie Colton Haynes took immediately after watching The Fault in Our Stars. He's absolutely ravaged!

Zac Efron has discovered the ancient art of making a skateboard from scratch while nude from the waist up:

Finally, here's Kellan Lutz staring at an ocean, most likely pondering all of life's infinite, intricate possibilities and also protein powder:

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.