Angelina Jolie Can't Find a Bridesmaid Because She Doesn't Have Any Friends

Today in celebrity gossip: Angelina Jolie needs to try harder, Zachary Levi got married, and Chris Brown sold his houses.

This article is from the archive of our partner .

Today in celebrity gossip: Angelina Jolie needs to try harder, Zachary Levi got married, and Chris Brown sold his houses.

Making friends is harder than one might think. For most of us, all we'd need to do to guarantee an overflowing Rolodex or a blowin'-up pager (what are Rolodexes and pagers) is be the daughter of a famous actor or star in Hackers or at the very least have sexual intercourse with Brad Pitt. But as it turns out, it takes more than that—way more—to build long, lasting friendships. For instance: Be a trustworthy confidante. Check in with people, see how they're doing. Always accept their invitations and show up on time. Meet every offer of generosity with a "yes" and sincere gratitude. Make sure that Maleficent gets a page-1 rewrite before filming that, because come on, Maleficent was seriously the worst, even worse than Frozen. All of these things can help to build friendships and ensure they last for years. Unfortunately Angelina Jolie has a long way to go in order to achieve her dream of female companionship, and according to Radar this problem is so severe that it's a "crisis" that is holding up her wedding to Brad Pitt! (Normally Radar has very little credibility, but anything that holds up a wedding to Brad Pitt could definitely be considered a crisis, so that was an accurate fact, credit where credit's due.) Per Radar's source:

She doesn’t have any close women pals she can call on to stand up for her at the ceremony. . . Angelina’s told Brad that they can’t marry until Shiloh’s old enough to be her bridesmaid.

Yep, like many working women, Angelina Jolie has turned to good, old-fashioned human procreation in order to feel less alone in the world. Will 8-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt step up to the role of Mommy's BFF or will somebody pre-emptively hand her a copy of Mommie Dearest on DVD (what is a DVD) and warn her about what the future may hold? It's just a very sad and poignant story all around, but the saddest twist of all? That the revelation that Angelina Jolie has no female friends may come as a heartbreaking surprise to at least one person. [Radar]

This column is not called The Garbage Set, so we typically don't talk about Chris Brown very much here, but sometimes it's hard to resist the tantalizing pull of celebrity real estate drama. In this case the demonstrably unapologetic Rihanna-assaulter has put up for sale the same mansion that made earlier headlines when it enraged neighboring millionaires with its very ugly graffiti. But apparently all men must grow up or, barring that, must sell their mansions for a barely break-even sum. TMZ reports Brown bought the mansion in 2011 for $1.5M but is listing it for $1.79M, which when inflation, taxes, and fees are factored in, would mean he did not exactly flip this thing. Meanwhile Brown is also selling his West Hollywood condo for exactly the same amount he'd paid for it, $1.6M. But please refrain from buying these properties, dear reader, unless you have a genetic condition that prevents you from smelling the undeniable and pervasive stench of landfill. Because garbage. [TMZ]

Like a real-life and particularly unfunny episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, married stars Kaitlin Olson and Rob McElhenney are being sued after their German Shepherd mauled a 19-month-old toddler. According to the girl's mother Julie DeLagarde, they'd attended a Father's Day picnic in 2012 where McElhenney and Olson had let their dog roam unleashed. Following the "unprovoked" attack, DeLegarde described her daughter's horrific wounds as flesh "hanging off with all the insides of her face exposed and blood streaming everywhere." So, uh, yeah. Lawsuit time. Danny DeVito has yet to comment on this story or, for that matter, trundle into the room and shout at everybody. [TMZ]

Zachary Levi, erstwhile star of Chuck, has "secretly" married Rookie Blue actress Missy Peregrym in Maui. Secretly was in quotes there because it was a regular wedding with guests and everything. The tabloids were not invited or notified, so I guess that makes it a secret? Anyway, the cute angle to this story was that the lovebirds had jokingly tweeted at each other prior to the nuptials that they ought to go on a coffee date, and then afterward Peregrym tweeted this image:

Yep, just a coupla cute kids entering into a cute binding legal contract. Congratulations, everybody! [Us Weekly]

The allegedly-makeup-free-but-probably-wearing-foundation selfie trend continues this week as Jennifer Lopez has jumped on the bandwagon!

Here is a gaggle of CW hunks named Steven R. McQueen, Jessarae Robitaille, Michael Malarkey, and Nathaniel Buzolic just stone-cold chillin':

Meanwhile fellow CW hunk Ian Somerhalder spent some quality time lying on the floor:

Justin Bieber might be a prodigy in certain areas but he is clearly still trying to figure out his selfie angles:

And finally, Kellan Lutz crammed his fleshy rock wall into a suit and stared out the window for a while. What was he thinking about?

Okay bye.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.