Taylor Swift Declines to Fix Sociopolitical Upheaval in Thailand

Today in celebrity gossip: Taylor Swift denies Thailand her presence, One Direction got high, and Emma Watson's personal bodyguard went deep undercover at her graduation.

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Today in celebrity gossip: Taylor Swift denies Thailand her presence, One Direction got high, and Emma Watson's personal bodyguard went deep undercover at her graduation.

Last week Thai military leader Gen. Prayuth Chan-ocha seized control of the government in a brazen coup while Taylor Swift stood idly by. He proceeded to threaten the citizens of Thailand that protesters would be dealt with severely and that dissenters gathering in Bankok risked "stricter enforcement of martial law and prosecution in military courts." And still Taylor Swift did nothing. Then the new dictator of this truly destabilized region boasted that he'd even received the endorsement of ailing and curiously absent Thai monarch King Bhumibol Adulyadej but refused to say whether any elections would be held in the foreseeable future. And Taylor Swift remained silent. In all, dozens of rival political leaders, pundits, scholars, and private citizens have been summoned or detained under Gen. Prayuth Chan-ocha's leadership. Meanwhile here's what Taylor Swift was up to:

In these undeniably dark times it was only natural for the beleaguered people of Thailand to look to Taylor Swift and her upcoming Bankok tour date as the saving grace for which they'd been clamoring. 'It's always darkest before the dawn,' they thought, and Swift's concert would surely be the bold, cleansing light of day they'd been waiting for. And wait they did. And wait. And wait. Where was Taylor Swift? Where was that golden voice of reason and bravery they'd come to rely on for their salvation? Was she waiting for the right moment? Carefully planning her attack? The people of Thailand weren't sure where their savior was, only that she was on the way. They just had to believe it. They had to. But then suddenly? Disaster! Taylor Swift suddenly canceled her Bankok visit entirely and has thereby decided to forsake the Thai people and prolong their suffering longer than any of them had ever fathomed!

May the blood-soaked pages of Thailand's history books forever bear the burden of this outrage. Shame, shame on Taylor Swift. Shame. [E! Online]

Please send your children from the room for this one. Even if you read this story silently to yourself, that's still too close in proximity to their pure, angelic spirits. Okay, ready? Louis Tomlinson and Zayn Malik, two members of popular rascal outfit One Direction, have appeared in a leaked cell phone video smoking MARIJUANA while on tour in Peru. Where doing such a thing is legal. BUT STILL. They also use coarse language in the general direction of a law enforcement officer who can't hear them. If your heart is racing right now, please avert your eyes and count to one thousand before clicking over to BuzzFeed and looking at their array of animated .GIFs pulled from said video. None of this will end well for anybody. This is it. This is how the world ends. It's been a pretty good ride, to be honest. Ups and downs, sure. Hard to complain overall. Like, do downs always necessarily cancel out the ups? Will "What Makes You Beautiful" be superseded forever by this marijuana-themed veritable snuff film? Probably. Doesn't matter. "Nothing matters anymore and maybe never did." - Taylor Swift [BuzzFeed]

Everybody was pretty charmed when Emma Watson avoided the pitfall of most child actors (i.e., developing a smooth, slippery brain from lack of education) by not only going to an Ivy League school but graduating. Sure, it took five years, but come on. YOU try starring in eight blockbusters in a row. But anyway, then people noticed that sitting next to Emma Watson at graduation and decked out in a full cap and gown was a mysteriously aged woman. A mysteriously aged woman who'd been previously photographed following Emma Watson around campus with a loaded sidearm. Yep, Emma Watson had a personal bodyguard with her at her graduation ceremony--not only with her, but sitting beside her in disguise. One might assume there's a story there, as plenty of other famous college students have walked in graduation ceremonies without an armed guard. Like, is Emma Watson in certain danger? Nobody knows, and the administrators at Brown University aren't saying either. According to Page Six, when reached for comment about this heat-packin' mama, "Brown spokesman Mark Nickel said on Tuesday he was 'not able to help.'" So there we have it. The mystery of Emma Watson's gun-totin' sidekick remains a... Mystery. [TMZ, Page Six]

You are a smart and capable person and you're living a vibrant life that leads you down more wonderful avenues than anybody could rightfully expect so there is a good chance you've already seen this video of Bill Murray crashing a bachelor party and giving the assembled fellas advice about love. But if you haven't, honestly, get it together and watch this thing ASAP (as soon as possible). Not only is the celebrity gossip angle pretty solid (a young man approached Bill Murray in a steakhouse to come meet his friends at a nearby table, Murray declined at first, then showed up a few minutes later anyway), the actual advice Murray gives is perfect and amiable and hilarious and heartfelt. Watch the video over at Deadspin for the full jovial, Murray-style performance, but here is the text:

If you have someone that you think is The One, don’t just sort of think in your ordinary mind, ‘OK, let’s pick a date. Let’s plan this and make a party and get married.' Take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all around the world … and go to places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of. And if when you come back to JFK, when you land in JFK, and you’re still in love with that person — get married at the airport.

There is a reason Bill Murray is a national treasure and treated with the reverence usually accorded to dead legends. That reason is Bill Murray is the best. [Page Six]

Friends of a certain age, this might bum you out a little: Michael Gottlieb, writer-director of the movie Mannequin, has passed away from injuries sustained in a fatal motorcycle accident. But let's not be sad. Let's celebrate his life by watching this immortal music video from the Mannequin soundtrack, Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now":

[E! Online]

Oh fine, here's a Kimye thing. Just a nice photograph of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West immediately after the ceremony:

Here's a picture of Mariah Carey relaxing and just enjoying a super chill, normal moment backstage at the World Music Awards:

Here's a picture of a universally beloved superstar and icon being eaten for dinner by singer Austin Mahone:

Enjoy your day, friends.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.