One Direction Is Now the Richest Boy Band in British Music History

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Today in celebrity gossip: A pack of rascal lads are very wealthy, Jay Z and Solange released a statement about their elevator brawl, and Casey Kasem has been located.

To most people, Britain is a mythological realm on par with Atlantis or Shangri-La or El Dorado, the Lost City of Gold. Does it even exist? Where is it? The answer is yes, Britain does actually exist. As for its exact location, it's believed to be geographically nestled somewhere between Maya and Timbuktu, but only cartographers or clairvoyants know for sure. And much like any other fabled empire, this real-life Xanadu boasts its own elite class of pleasure dome-dwelling artists! For example, this week the scholars and scroll-diviners at Britain's primary oracle The Sunday Times released its 2014 Young Music Rich List, which lists, you guessed it, the richest British musicians under 30 years old. Would you care to know who they are and how much they earned last year? Very well! (Please note: The untranslatable "£" symbol denotes a form of archaic currency not currently used in normal society.)

1. Adele: £45m
2. Calvin Harris: £30m
3. Cheryl Cole: £16m
4. Niall Horan, One Direction: £14m
4. Zayn Malik, One Direction: £14m
4. Liam Payne, One Direction: £14m
4. Harry Styles, One Direction: £14m
4. Louis Tomlinson, One Direction: £14m
9. Leona Lewis: £13m
9. Marcus Mumford, Mumford & Sons: £13m
11. Katie Melua: £12m
12. Jessie J: £10m
12. Florence Welch: £10m
14. Alex Turner, Arctic Monkeys: £9m
15. Charlotte Church: £8m

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Be not ashamed, there is no possible way for you to recognize every name on this list. However, a few things of note: Adele made A LOT of money last year. Also, the second-highest earning musician, Calvin Harris, is a DJ who looks like this:

But most importantly, that five-way tie for fourth consists of the members of One Direction, the British boy band assembled on Simon Cowell's reality competition The X-Factor. Sure, you're thinking, fourth place isn't that big a deal. But combine what they collectively made last year and that places them not only as the top-earning young music act of the year, but the all-time highest-earning boy band in British music history. Meanwhile, Charlotte Church is still alive and making tons of money? The inner workings of Britain will forever remain a mystery. [E! Online]

Experts agree that should there ever be a third testament added to the Bible, the Book of Beyoncé should definitely include a passage about the time Solange beat up Jay Z in an elevator. That is the legacy this epic tale will surely enjoy in the hearts and minds the world over. But with all the theorizing and speculation nearing over-saturation, the actual participants in the dust-up FINALLY commented on what went down that fateful night and it was about as businesslike as you'd expect: "They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family . . . We've put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same." And, as though to heal the wounds left by the scuffle (as well as Solange's photo-deletion spree on her Instagram account), Solange has gone and posted two photos of herself alongside Beyoncé:

Does this constitute a sufficient level of healing? Probably. Will we ever stop discussing this thing? Never, sorry. [Page Six, Page Six]

We recently talked about the supposed disappearance of broadcasting legend Casey Kasem, so please know this: He's been found! Only three days after a Los Angeles judge determined that Kasem's children deserved to know where their stepmother had sent Kasem, he was located in Washington state. Because Kasem is suffering from dementia and Parkinson's disease, it's not clear to what extent he's aware of his family's legal squabbles over his whereabouts, but yeah. At least he's no longer missing. [People]

Please close your eyes and, using your mind's eye, picture yourself walking the dark hallways of a British sex club. Hear the pulsing beat from a nearby dance floor, smell the unmistakable scent of leather, notice the shaded eyes of prowling strangers, and also, suddenly, there is Tom Cruise. Three apples tall and with the intense stare of true believer, Tom Cruise has you in his sights, and you both simultaneously realize this will be a night neither of you will forget. Go ahead and take a moment to recover from the paralyzing ecstasy brought on by this lurid tale, now open your eyes and read this anecdote from Emily Blunt, who recently recounted to Jimmy Kimmel the time she took Tom Cruise to a British sex club:

It was the disgusting Matt Damon's birthday party. What a loser. . . John [Krasinski], my husband, wanted to do something crazy for him. I don't know if you've heard of this club called The Box? It's kind of a burlesque sex club. There's weird things that go on and make you cringe. Tom loves Matt, and Tom wanted to come.

"Tom loves Matt, and Tom wanted to come." [Us Weekly]

Father Time is a cruel jerk, and his bestie The Grim Reaper is a straight-up b-hole. They are why even the most staid and dependable of entertainment institutions are suddenly leaving us like so many rugs being pulled out from under our feet. I refer of course to the impending end of David Letterman's many-decade tenure in late night as well as Barbara Walters' era-defining reign in TV journalism. This week Barbara Walters paid a visit to her old friend Letterman for a heartfelt commiseration about end times. These people are legends! Yes, they joke about making a "suicide pact," but it's still an undeniably touching moment between two very different people who suddenly get each other. Here's a quick clip:

[Us Weekly]

Remember that time Gabourey Sidibe masturbated in front of a minotaur on American Horror Story: Coven? The question is rhetorical because of course you remember, we all do, that is the sort of thing that cannot be forgotten. The brain simply doesn't let images like that fade, you know? Anyway, that particular scene is not actually relevant here, but look at the very adorable childhood picture Gabourey Sidibe tweeted recently:

Sometimes you look at a very attractive and successful person and you're like, "Well, at least they were ugly ducklings in high school like anybody else," and then you see their high school photo and you just want to drive your ice cream truck into a guard rail. This picture of Diplo in high school is a lot like that:

This weekend as we all wander aimlessly through life without purpose or destination, please keep in mind these sage words of wisdom from everybody's favorite guru, Jared Leto:


This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.