Fun Interviews with NYC Officials About a Godzilla Attack Are Actually Depressing

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Ahead of the this week's Godzilla premiere, New York City-based reporters are getting in on the fun by asking military and city officials to weigh in on how the city would react to a real-life monster attack. This is actually not a fun question, considering all the real-life not-monster attacks the city has, and could, face. 

In an interview with the New York Daily News, real-life Office of Emergency Management Commissioner Joseph Bruno listed the likely fallout from a massive dragon attack. "Looking at this, we'd be thinking, 'What would a Godzilla attack do?' Clearly it would cause fire, explosions, casualties, damage, debris, bridges and tunnels being out. Roads being out, power issues and some slime. Those are issues that we do deal with -- except for the slime." 

What a fun reminder of all the terrible things that happen to us here! That slime would really make this sound like frightening metropolis, though, glad we're in the clear with regards to slime. 

Bruno continues, rather logically, by referring to real-life NYC disaster plans that could be employed in the event of a Godzilla attack:

In the event of a Godzilla attack, we'd be looking at area evacuations. He's a big guy, but he's not going to overtake the entire city, so we would try to determine what sectors of the city had to be moved. We have a system that's a 'hub and spoke' approach. We [would] move people to a hub area and try to move them, for example, to the Bronx, which is less likely to be impacted.

Wait, why is the Bronx less likely to be impacted? Is it because of Godzilla's discerning borough taste? Or perhaps because the Bronx would be less likely to be targeted in a terrorist attack, or because a significant portion of Manhattan would be submerged in the event of costal flooding? 

The Daily News is quick to remind us that, thanks to 9/11 and Hurricanes Irene and Sandy, the city is ready for a Godzilla attack, thanks to "protocols that will be followed during inevitable cataclysms -- whether caused by a fake sea lizard, a giant ape, alien invaders or a genuine natural disaster." Nothing like recalling a massive terrorist attacks or pondering the inevitability of devastating natural disasters in preparation for an early summer blockbuster.

The U.S. Air Force also fielded some questions on the subject, though that interview seemed to be more genuinely lighthearted.  

In an interview with the Smithsonian's Air & Space magazine, troops at the Kadena air base mulled how they would respond to an attack. MSGT Jason Edwards, who is in public affairs, said "Kadena is the keystone of the Pacific due to our strategic location. We are able to quickly respond to any threat in the region, to include Godzilla, should he come to Japan. Which I guess is a thing." Which is actually pretty funny, until you realize how slightly he must be deviating off regular Army script to deliver this analysis. 

Still, the Kadena interview is mostly pretty funny. But then The Huffington Post had to go and fact check the comments. "I don't think the Air Force could take Godzilla, and I don't even think the Army or anybody in the world could take him," said Chief Warrant Officer Bryan Campbell. So there's that. 

The only hopeful part of this line of interviewing is, frankly, that these officials have the time to consider a Godzilla attack scenario. We guess they've got the real stuff under control. 

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.