Eight Borderline Interesting Things About the Kimye Wedding

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Today in celebrity gossip: A very tedious celebrity wedding had at least a few interesting aspects, Justin Bieber gave A LOT of money to charity, and Miley Cyrus possibly misses Liam Hemsworth.

Perhaps you've heard of the two celebrities named Kanye West and Kim Kardashian? The former is a talented rapper and producer who nearly single-handedly changed the direction of modern hip-hop over the last ten years. The latter is a curvy reality TV star with the cadence of a newborn koala. This past weekend they were married in a lavish, multi-million dollar ceremony in Florence where a media blackout was instituted solely to stoke media interest in their ceremony. Unfortunately this tactic badly overestimated how much people actually care about the marriage of Kanye West to Kim Kardashian, as the celebrity gossip marriage narrative is so beyond exhausted by this point that the world was collectively like, 'wake us for the divorce or murder-suicide coverage.' But anyway, they're married now and despite the endless reporting and impossibly banal details emerging from this non-spectacle, at least a handful of interesting nuggets HAVE popped out of it. Yes, these items are very schadenfreude-y, but they count! So here, for your reading pleasure, are eight things about the Kimye Wedding that could be considered mildly interesting!

• Vogue Editor and possible Kanye West blackmail victim Anna Wintour did not attend the wedding. A Vogue spokesperson gave the following explanation: "Anna had a longstanding family commitment this weekend and sadly had to miss the wedding." Sorry, Wedding of the Century. When Anna Wintour has "croquet?" lightly penciled into her day planner, there's just no canceling. [Page Six]

• More damning, even Jay Z and Beyoncé declined to attend the Kimye nuptials. It's not clear what would keep Jay Z from attending his supposed bestie's Big Day, but Page Six reports he and his wife were "reportedly spending their weekend in the Hamptons." And right around the time Kim Kardashian would've been walking down the aisle, Beyoncé casually 'grammed a selfie of her new braids. To be fair, she followed that with a photo from the Kimye Vogue shoot along with the caption "Wishing you a lifetime of unconditional love. God bless your beautiful family," so it's not like the newlyweds were TOTALLY off Beyoncé's radar. But yeah: Beyoncé and Jay Z chose the beach over a destination wedding and no sane person could ever fault them for it. [Page Six]

• What's a wedding without some intra-family drama? Kim Kardashian's brother Rob Kardashian skipped out on the wedding the morning of, allegedly after she humiliated him about his weight. Page Six reports there was a "heated argument" between the siblings having to do with Rob's inability to fit into a Valentino suit for a pre-wedding luncheon and he booked the first flight back to Los Angeles, skipping his sister's wedding entirely. Then, upon arrival in Los Angeles, he proceeded to delete all his previous tweets and replace them with religious and patriotic declarations. His European experience was that bad, I guess. [Page Six, Us Weekly]

• Meanwhile, the muckraking busybodies at Us Weekly decided to check in on what Kim Kardashian's previous husband was up to this weekend. NBA player Kris Humphries—he of the infamous, highly televised 2011 marriage to Kardashian that ended after 2 months—apparently spent the weekend "in his home state of Minnesota to celebrate Memorial Day with his family." How shocking and lurid! It's not clear what exactly Us Weekly was hoping to report here. That Kris Humphries was moping around Minnesota openly sobbing about regret and lost love? No, he was probably just seeing X-Men with his dad. No big deal. [Us Weekly]

• Romance alert: Two of Kimye's guests fell in love at the wedding! Socialite and Kim Kardashian bestie Brittny Gastineau allegedly made a "love connection" with street magician slash mumbling charlatan David Blaine. According to an anonymous guest, "There was definitely something there between them. They left the wedding together that night." Guys, I know it's early, but stay tuned for THAT Wedding of the Century in a few months! [People]

• Then there was the very mean news article written by the trolls at the New York Post about the ceremony: "Two jackasses got married in Italy Saturday," it began, before describing Kardashian as a "sex-tape star" and Kanye West as an "egotist." The news bit was honestly not very funny, insightful, nor accurate, but it did tap into a growing sense of negativity toward West and Kardashian among our nation's population of basic bitches. So, well done, New York Post. Way to harness that zeitgeist. [Gawker]

• Despite the ostensible media blackout surrounding the ceremony, rumors spread that Justin Bieber would be in attendance and that led to a massive influx of insane Beliebers at the property gates. That's right, Justin Bieber was suddenly the main draw and meanwhile "no one was chanting or looking for Kanye, or Kim, or even Jay Z or Beyoncé," according to Gawker's very good firsthand account of the swarm. [Gawker]

• Finally, Jaden Smith wore a white Batman costume to the wedding:

Seems about right. [Gawker]

I guess we can go ahead and talk about Justin Bieber's weekend now. It was a good-news-bad-news scenario, as always. The good news is the young millionaire attended a charity event in Cannes for amfAR, an AIDS research foundation, and suddenly plunked down around a $545,000 donation like it was no big deal. The bad news is he was later photographed with Heidi Klum and it appeared his hand was a liiiiittle too close to her bosom? (Klum later publicly denied that she'd been groped by a sentient MyBuddy doll of any kind.) But back to good news: Bieber's dinner at the amfAR event? Ordered off the children's menu. Apparently the finicky eater demanded 'pasghetti' and it was brought to him earlier than the other diners so that he could quietly eat his slippery noodles while host and emcee Harvey Weinstein growled at everybody or whatever, who knows. But after donating that much money, Justin Bieber truly deserved all the floppy strings and red sauce his pure heart desired. Somebody feed that growing boy! [TMZ, Page Six, Page Six]

Aw, Miley Cyrus. Despite spending upwards of a year building a new persona for herself from the ground up, one rooted in punk independence and throwing off the shackles of patriarchal prudes, gossip rags are still insisting that she's "lonely" and in need of a man. Specifically a man named Liam Hemsworth, her former fiancé whom she's made very, very clear she's over and done with. According to Us Weekly's source, "There's a part of her that wants to get back together" with Hemsworth. Which, sure, who wouldn't want to be together with Liam Hemsworth? Except for, you know, Miley Cyrus, who is the only person in the world who's made it crystal clear she doesn't want to be with him. But clearly Us Weekly doesn't believe her and it doesn't want us to either. Women be needin' men! Also on the subject of Miley Cyrus, this is pretty scary: She's just had to take out an "emergency restraining order against a 'delusional' fan who allegedly said he won't stop hunting her down until she 'accepts him or he dies.'" So uh, yeah. That's TWO Miley Cyrus news items that both prove the need for that #YesAllWomen hashtag from this past weekend. Because yikes, everybody. [Us Weekly, TMZ]

Well, there was at least ONE interesting wedding that went down this weekend: The straight-up delightful Casey Wilson got married to the creator of her late, great show Happy Endings! David Caspe is also the handsome savant behind Wilson's upcoming NBC comedy Marry Me, and their Ojai wedding looked very tasteful and fun, and they are obviously now doing what's commonly known as 'living the dream.' Anyway, here's a post-ceremony photo tweeted by guest, comedian Whitney Cummings:

Baby girl @caseyrosewilson is off tinder folks pic.twitter.com/tVGVQcpNYP

— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) May 26, 2014

[People]

Justin Bieber doffed his top and put on his best loosely laced couture sneakers to go on a jog with Usher. Here is a photo of that momentous occasion:

Real-life Less Than Zero character Alex Pettyfer recently hung out with real life Less Than Zero author Bret Easton Ellis!

Pettyfer captioned the photo "FINALLY CLOSED THE DEAL !!!! Convinced this man to write me a script and a year later he delivered [emoji redacted]." Will anything good come of this unholy yet strangely perfect teamup? Question is rhetorical because obviously something VERY good will come of this. (Ellis' Rob Zombie-directed miniseries about the Manson Family would appear to be dead, however.)

Oh, just an underwater selfie courtesy of Colton Haynes. How handsome and wet was your holiday?

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.