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SHOCK: Miley Cyrus Performed in Her Unmentionables

Today in celebrity gossip: Miley Cyrus went chaps-less during a recent performance, Elisabeth Moss did not enjoy her "awful" marriage to Fred Armisen, and Chris Evans is both ready and willing to marry you.

By Price Peterson
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Today in celebrity gossip: Miley Cyrus went chaps-less during a recent performance, Elisabeth Moss did not enjoy her "awful" marriage to Fred Armisen, and Chris Evans is both ready and willing to marry you.

It's a Sphinxian riddle to confound our greatest thinkers: If an artist known for performing in underwear-inspired clothing goes onstage to perform in actual underwear, is the event worthy of internet clicks?

This was a brave admission for what must have been a truly mortifying situation! But please do not jump to conclusions about Miley Cyrus' lack of inhibitions, because as Us Weekly charitably described it, "the 21-year-old singer decided to take the stage half-naked rather than disappoint her fans." See? Miley Cyrus did not want to disappoint her fans and THAT is why she opted to forego her usual modesty-preserving sequined Ace bandage wrapped around a child's melted Halloween costume and instead took the stage in a state of undress that could be described as "revealing". We've all been there and we will all be there again and again and again and quite frankly we all owe Miley Cyrus a debt of gratitude for her bravery in this situation. But please keep in mind that eventually Cyrus was able to get properly dressed and back to her regular, demure routine:

[Us Weekly]

Don't quote me on this, but it appears that Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss did not particularly enjoy her eight-month marriage to Portlandia's Fred Armisen. You may need to read between the lines here because she speaks in such vague terms, but here's how she described the marriage: "It was extremely traumatic and awful and horrible." See what I'm saying? It's just not clear exactly how Elisabeth Moss feels about her marriage to Fred Armisen but it seems likely that she did not enjoy it. Anyway, though the marriage in question ended in 2010, they'd both been relatively mum about what exactly happened there. But as Moss explained recently to New York Magazine, she's moved on and is just grateful it ended quickly: "I’m glad that it didn’t happen when I was 50. I’m glad I didn’t have kids. And I got that out of the way." See, she is just glad she got a traumatic and awful and horrible eight-month marriage to Fred Armisen out of the way, as we all should hope to while still in our early 30s. Also, because NY Mag asks the right questions, Elisabeth Moss is indeed still a Scientologist, but that topic is now verboten with her: "I’m not going to talk about it anymore… it’s private, off limits." It must be nice to practice a religion that you aren't comfortable discussing with other people even when you are comfortable talking about a failed marriage. Some things are just too private, you know? [Page Six]

Ladies, Chris Evans is ready to settle down with you! Well, one of you. But still, Chris Evans is ready! "I want to get married, though I want children—to me that's the ultimate thing," the erstwhile Human Torch and current Captain America recently told Glamour U.K. while on the topic of how partying has worn him out. "In the last two or three years, I go to a club and I kind of wish I was home." WITH YOU. Home with you is what Chris Evans meant to say. He wants to greet you at the door, a diaper-clad tot bouncing on one hip and a pot roast in the slow-cooker, which both isn't and IS a sexual innuendo. Get ready, because Chris Evans wants only quiet nights in from now on, he wants to spend quality time with you in his boudoir and he wants to procreate. Will you let Chris Evans do these things? Be honest. Chris Evans don't want no wishy-washy flibbertigibbet. When Chris Evans makes a promise to settle down and have kids with you, Chris Evans keeps his word. Will you? [E! Online]

The 17-year-old Grammy-winning goth velociraptor Curly Sue who performs under the name Lorde is performing thrice this week at New York City's Roseland Ballroom and would you care to know how she "relaxed" before Sunday's show? Bowling. She relaxed by bowling. The venue was the VIP room at Frames Bowling Lounge in Hell’s Kitchen and though the underage Kiwi did not imbibe liquors nor liqueurs, she nonetheless "enjoyed the laid-back vibe of the lounge" and avoided fans' autographs while bowling in private lanes. Lorde Item #2: She appeared on L.A.'s apocalyptically hellish radio station KIIS FM's morning show the next day and was asked by host Kyle Sandilands whether the quality time she'd been spending with Taylor Swift lately meant that they were in a romantic relationship. When the DJ immediately backtracked on the question, Lorde cut him off with "Is there something wrong with lesbians?" In all sincerity, that is the only way to answer these dumb non-joke joke questions. Lorde wins yet again. [Page Six, Us Weekly]

"How's Radar embarrassing themselves today?" you may be wondering. Well, how about this headline: "Are The Rumors True? Keith Urban Kissed Me, Reveals Male Radio DJ." Great headline except that the Radio DJ in question, "country music personality" Gerry House, is a longtime friend of Urban's who wrote a memoir in which he humorously recounted the time he and Urban gave each other a peck on New Year's Eve as a gag. You know, incriminating stuff. So what "rumors" about Mr. Nicole Kidman could the headline have possibly been referencing? Oh, just Twitter chatter from the time Urban got misty-eyed during the Grammys' same-sex marriage Macklemore extravaganza. See, where some people saw a sensitive, good-natured man getting swept up in a historic moment, some on Twitter saw a closeted homosexual and Radar's just reporting the facts! Anyway, their story then switches gears to the larger topic of closeted country stars, as briefly mentioned in House's memoir: "There is a surprisingly large family of gay (openly or not) men and women in Nashville." House does not go on to out anybody in particular nor contrive sensationalistic rumors from nowhere. That's Radar's job! [Radar]

Finally, let's end with a pair of VERY inspirational images to help you get through this long, hard, and at times utterly pointless Tuesday. First up, some fitness motivation from Oscar-winning actress Mo'Nique:

Get up and over those hurdles, ladies! But if it's professional motivation you're in the mood for, please take to heart this inspiring tweet from Tara Reid:

All these years later Tara Reid is still gainfully employed! If this doesn't put a little go-go juice in your get-it-done tank, then just go ahead and lay down in a grave already because you've had enough.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.