Today in celebrity gossip: More famous fellas have become forever associated with Lindsay Lohan's nether regions, Drew Barrymore called 911 against AT&T, and Courtney Love shut down Daniel Tosh on Twitter.
It was the semi-blurred list heard round the world: Lindsay Lohan's alleged handwritten greatest hits list of all the celebrity genitalia she'd slipped into her pockets over the years. At the time In Touch Weekly first revealed the list, fully half the names were blurred and armchair gossip mavens speculated that this was to protect the identities of the non-famous, or possibly even certain famous people with wives. But we were foolish to believe In Touch might operate with any measure of common decency! Today, In Touch released a second version of the same scan, this time with way more names unveiled. That's right, they'd been simply trying to get multiple days' worth of clicks out of this story, and you know what? They deserve it. I mean, just feast your eyes on THIS:
Newly added to Lohan's already-impressive menu of prime rib? Orlando Bloom, Benicio Del Toro, The Wanted's Max George, and none other than Ashton Kutcher! But what, just what does Lindsay Lohan see in all these guys, you may be asking yourself. Don't worry, In Touch somehow found a very knowledgeable inside source to help shed light on this question: "Lindsay loves being linked to good-looking, famous, successful men." A-HA! Now we know. But anyway, yes, fingers crossed the list will become completely uncensored in the coming days. Who do you think those last five blurred names are? Just going off of Lohan's resume from her party days, maybe Just My Luck co-star, Chris Pine? Or maybe she scored a That '70s Show hat trick and snared Topher Grace? But my money's on the resident heterosexual male from the Mean Girls cast, Tim Meadows. Yeah, definitely Tim Meadows. Don't be surprised if those last five blurred names are just Tim Meadows five times. [InTouch]
Question: Do you like scary movies? Do you like scary movies starring Drew Barrymore? What about scary real life scenarios starring Drew Barrymore? Okay, what about non-scary real life scenarios starring Drew Barrymore? Then get ready to be thrilled: Last Tuesday, it was a dark and stormy night (it was not stormy) and a home-alone Drew Barrymore heard a knock at the door. She pulled back the beaded curtain (I'm guessing) and saw nothing but a white van parked mysteriously at the foot of her driveway. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. She jumped backwards in fright! The booming knuckle-raps kept coming, louder, more insistent. What happened next will shock you: The pregnant Poison Ivy star called 911! Within minutes "cops came and helicopters hovered" and this story unveiled its biggest twist of all: That white van didn't belong to a psycho killer, it belonged to an AT&T repairman! So basically, yeah, an AT&T repairman knocked on Drew Barrymore's door and she called 911 on him. Feel free to tell this story around a campfire or at a church sleepover. [TMZ]
Except for engaging the darkest recesses of our imaginations with an existentially terrifying mystery and in doing so uniting an entire world around the common thread of shared horror, only ONE good thing has come from the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370: Courtney Love's armchair theorizing. A few days ago the former Hole frontwoman tweeted an MS Paint-enhanced image showing what she believed was the sunken wreckage of the missing plane and many raised an eyebrow and/or openly scoffed at Love's foolhardy endeavors. One man in particular, the comedian and handsome sociopath Daniel Tosh, even threw a weaksauce joke her way, something about asking for help to find the mythological bridge to Valhalla. But Courtney Love's response was as rude as it was brutal and it honestly couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy. Behold what happens when you cross Miss World:
Hahaha TOLD, SON. That's what's known as getting told. Courtney Love hasn't been this underrated since Celebrity Skin! Decision is unanimous: Courtney Love wins, flawless victory.
Hopefully you're sitting down for this one: Pamela Anderson's children are aware of her infamous sex tape. Now, the fact that it's 2014 and an entire generation is coming of age in a reality where their parents have made sex tapes is not the shocking part. The shocking part is that Pamela Anderson has 17-year-old and 16-year-old sons. Because WHAT. Anyway, back to the story, yes: Pamela Anderson's teenage sons are in fact teenage boys now and ALL teenage boys know about the Pamela Anderson-Tommy Lee sex tape, it is basically shown in high school sex-ed classes now. But for these boys one of the best-selling and most notorious sex tapes of all time just happens to star their parents. Not that they've necessarily SEEN it though. According to Anderson they merely know about it: "They know about everything. Stupid Internet. I don’t know why everyone is so impressed with it." Uh, well, if memory serves, it was the Tommy Lee, uh, aspect, that people were most impressed with. But again: Yes. Pamela Anderson has two sons who are almost out of high school. We are all truly hurtling toward the grave at this point. Bye bye, life. [Page Six]
Oh, this is just a picture that Selena Gomez 'grammed from her night out with Zooey Deschanel at West Hollywood's celebrity campsite Soho House. Because of course these two hang out. Nevermind the 13-year age difference, they simply have everything in common.
CAUTION: This music video should not be watched at work, full disclosure. But if and when you do decide to watch it, you will probably find it either hilarious or disgusting or mind-warpingly transcendent. It's a rap song called "Tom Hanks," it's by an outfit called Buckwheat Groats, and the song is about, you guessed it, Tom Hanks. (Keep an eye out for an extremely sexy Meg Ryan cameo.)
Happy Thursday, friends.
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.
We want to hear what you think about this article. Submit a letter to the editor or write to firstname.lastname@example.org.