Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's Beach Blanket Breakup

Today in celebrity gossip: Nobody does separation better than Gwyneth Paltrow, Naomi Campbell does not love the new cover of Vogue, and Demi Lovato has beef with Kathy Griffin.

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Today in celebrity gossip: Nobody does separation better than Gwyneth Paltrow, Naomi Campbell does not love the new cover of Vogue, and Demi Lovato has beef with Kathy Griffin.

Beach vacations always sound more fun than they turn out. Sure, it's nice to get a little sea breeze and some vitamin D every now and again, but they usually come coupled with experience-ruining inconveniences like sunburnt toes, getting too much sand up in your business, or all the wanton orca attacks. Or worse, if you're Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin your beach vacation might just be ruined by a divorce! Or, you know, a "conscious uncoupling." According to Us Weekly, just before Paltrow and Martin dropped the truth bomb of their separation on (complete with lengthy, annotated article written by psychologists about the almost certainly made-up art of conscious uncoupling), they packed up their family and jetted off to the Bahamas! Yep, Gwyneth Paltrow even figured out how to do a marriage breakup better than anyone else. As she and Martin are presumably sitting in a jacuzzi sipping exotic concoctions and reminiscing about monogamy, everyone else is trudging all brokenhearted to the courthouse and petitioning for a commoners' divorce. Anyway, now that several hours have passed since the announcement, the e-rags have already begun to speculate about what went wrong in the Transatlantic Romance of the Century. E! Online couldn't do much better than "they realized that they were more friends and not lovers and they were at different stages of their careers." Ugh, come on. There's got to be some lurid explanation, right? Two grown adults can't simply break up without at least a restraining order or even a shouting match at TGI Friday's! But no, E!'s source stands firm: "It's not a sad thing... They're in a great place. They tried, but know this is a better way for them to be." Apart. They are in an a great place, and that great place is apart. Fair enough. But if there's ever been a time for Vanity Fair to dust off its scuttled Paltrow tell-all, now would be the time. Please direct me to all relevant e-petitions. [Page Six, E! Online, Us Weekly]

Whenever an artist faces criticism for their work, it's important for that artist to never lose faith in the work itself. Kim Kardashian was recently spotted at the airport buying two copies of Vogue. Her journey to self-acceptance wasn't without its obstacles however, as prior to arriving at Hudson News, she was nearly thwarted by a confluence of dark thoughts and insidious doubts while still aboard the plane: "Kardashian was overheard freaking when she couldn’t find her sunglasses in her purse — but found the shades before leaving the Jetway." And much like the heroine in a fantasy tale she was able to find assistance in her quest from creatures others might consider fearsome. "A hulking brute trailed behind them to carry Kim’s purse to baggage claim. She carried the Vogues." But this tale would not yet have its happy ending as meanwhile, in a far away land, a literal witch cursed Kardashian's name and exacted a hex against the sun which threw the entire planet into a perpetual state of shade:

Incidentally, hey, movie idea: Maleficent 2: I Am a Fashion Model. [Page Six]

Speaking of sizzlin' beefs, Demi Lovato and Kathy Griffin have been slinging crispy meat patties at each other on Twitter over the past few days. In a series of now-deleted Tweets (which, imagine that: celebrities regretting their decisions!), Griffin was asked who she considered to be the "biggest douche celebrity" and she responded "Probably Debbie [sic] Lovato." From there, Lovato tweeted a selfie she'd once taken while sticking out her tongue as Kathy Griffin stood in the background, along with the words "Only a 'douche' to people I can't stand." At this point, Griffin began to simply retweet the vitriolic attacks made by Lovato's fans, and then both Lovato and Griffin presumably got on with their lives and everybody realized that it didn't matter, it never mattered, and perhaps nothing matters in general. Who can say for sure? [E! Online]

Remember that creep who'd been threatening the lives of Taylor Swift's family and claiming Swift was his "wife"? Well, Swift finally obtained a restraining order earlier this month and a judge has now extended it by three years. This is obviously a bittersweet turn of events when weighed against Radar's report yesterday that Taylor Swift has suddenly found herself undateable. In my opinion, stalkers are not appropriate dating prospects, but still: It must be a curse to be so wanted yet so lonely. You know? It's almost like years of romantic comedies featuring handsome men exhibiting stalker behavior are giving everyone incorrect expectations about romance? Again, this Timothy Sweet creep should probably be in a facility somewhere, but would that still be true if this were a movie and he looked like Bradley Cooper? Yeah, okay, even in the Bradley Cooper version he'd still be a creep who should be in a facility. Anyway, it's no wonder that Taylor Swift has been busying herself with more soothing activities:

Swift's caption reads, "So far this week, all I want to do is paint and all I want to paint are watercolor flowers." You deserve it, Taylor Swift. [TMZ]

Oh, fine, I guess, sure: Here is a Justin Bieber selfie in which he flaunts his bangin' bikini bod while also showing off two of his brand new tattoos. Behold, "forgiveness" and "sternum crucifix":

And in a display of chilling synchronicity, here's what Bieber's possibly on-again girlfriend Selena Gomez 'grammed around the same time:

Okay, kids, enough with the unmentionables already. It's like you are BEGGING for a cold.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.