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Chris Pine Charged with Being Handsome and Also Drunk Driving

Today in celebrity gossip: The once and future Captain Kirk drank and drove in New Zealand, Jennifer Lopez made a harsh joke about her famous ex-boyfriends, and Jake Gyllenhaal's naked again.

By Price Peterson
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Today in celebrity gossip: The once and future Captain Kirk drank and drove in New Zealand, Jennifer Lopez made a harsh joke about her famous ex-boyfriends, and Jake Gyllenhaal's naked again.

The island nation of New Zealand has always been associated with ancient lore and untold magicks. From its long documented history of wizardry and, uh, volcano lords, and, I don't know, blinged-out little people with big spirits of adventure, New Zealand is the kind of place where anything is possible. That kind of unpredictable spirit apparently also includes Chris Pine getting pulled over and charged with DUI. New Zealand, you truly are a land of mystery! As Americans, we are all raised with the firm knowledge that celebrities are above the law (well, male celebrities), but evidently somebody forgot to fax that rule to the New Zealand embassy before March 1st, which was the day Chris Pine capped off a night of revelry at a local dive before driving home and clocking a blood alcohol level higher than the .08 percent legal limit. Whoops! His court appearance is scheduled for next Monday, which will hopefully be an off-day for Z for Zachariah, the movie he's currently filming there. Let this be a lesson to anybody fond of drinking and driving: If someone of sound mind and body and face as Chris Pine can't metabolize his alcohol and make it home in a responsible manner, then nobody can. Don't do it! [Page Six]

You've probably noticed that a huge amount of celebrity gossip consists of little more than a single quote or joke made by a celebrity during an interview or talk show appearance. No actual reporting or facts, just a verbatim quote or joke from a celebrity and then several paragraphs that humorlessly speculate about what it could mean, or that play up the shock value or shade factor. And you know what? Our interest in off-color celebrity quotes is probably fine. A lot of celebrities are very funny, and it's their candor that humanize them more than anything else. The problem is when we make the worst assumptions about celebrities' characters for having made an innocent joke and in doing so discourage them from lowering their guards in the future. Let's not do that! For example, Jennifer Lopez was recently posed a hypothetical during her appearance on L.A.'s Power 106: Who would she save from drowning if her life raft only had one spot left, Ben Affleck or P. Diddy? "I'd let both those motherf--kers drown!" She obviously followed up this laughing response with, "That's terrible, I'm just joking! Ben, Puffy, you know I love you." So of course every gossip rag is now reporting that Jennifer Lopez has beef with her exes. Come on, guys. She's funny. Let's just be glad she's still giving spontaneous answers rather than neutral, guarded, personality-free ones. I mean, can you even imagine how someone like Amy Adams would have answered a question like that? I will probably imagine this later when I'm trying to fall asleep. [Us Weekly]

Little known TV series Game of Thrones just gave the bear community a whole new reason to be excited about the upcoming fourth season: The actor who plays Hodor is into fellas! In a coming out story as no-big-deal as they probably should all be, the very large actor Kristian Nairn revealed to WinterIsComing.net that he not only appreciates his bear following, he counts himself among that community: "Well, in all honesty, when you talk about 'the gay community,' you are talking about MY community." He went on to say that he hadn't brought up his sexuality before because lamentably nobody had asked him about it: "It's not something you just blurt out. I've tried to lead the questions a few times, to no avail." And just in case you were hoping for some kind of dramatic revelation that Nairn has faced personal prejudices on set, sorry: "People have been great... I don’t see why it would be an issue." There you have it! Please do with this information what you will. Which is hopefully nothing because who cares? (Also, doesn't Season 4 look so good?) [Us Weekly]

Jennifer Aniston is at a truly exciting stage in her career. After having long ago given up any kind of aspiration to appear in respectable films, the 45-year-old former Leprechaun star has appeared in mostly R-rated comedies and the occasional Smart Water commercial while spending the rest of her days sunbathing and FaceTiming with Justin Theroux and turning her dogs immortal. But where her more prestige-minded peers might be off making movies about space stations or Princess Grace or Disney witches, Aniston just doesn't seem to give a dang about anything like that. In fact, she's basically now just watching other movies and assembling Mash-game style wish lists of where her career will take her next. Which at this point will hopefully involve Channing Tatum! According to "a source" with a keen eye for very interesting gossip, Jennifer Aniston would really like to work with Channing Tatum, as she "couldn’t get enough of Tatum’s sizzling style in Magic Mike." Yep, Jennifer Aniston has been tantalized by the sizzling style of Channing Tatum. Aniston "even had a Channing screening night with her girlfriends in February, when they watched several of his films. The Channing marathon was a huge success!" Let's cut to the chase here: Jennifer Aniston's horniness is not a crime! Her body craves Channing Tatum and I for one think we should make this happen. Is there an e-petition we can all sign? Jennifer Aniston deserves it. [Radar]

I can't tell you how to live your life. Nobody can. How you spend the rest of your day is truly your journey and yours alone. Will you make it through your extensive to-do list? Will you finally write those thank you notes and return those phone calls? Will you hold eye contact with your crush for longer than a glance? Will you finally pay those kidnappers the ransom they've been bugging you about? The day is truly yours and your options are limitless. One of those options now includes looking at a bare-naked Jake Gyllenhaal gallivanting around a campground in a Grizzly Adams beard waving a soup ladle. It's probably not the ideal naked Jake Gyllenhaal scenario you've been fantasizing but at least it's something! Anyway, lightly censored images are at TMZ and much better images are at My New Plaid Pants. I would say they are "not safe for work" but I don't know where you work. Do you work at a celebrity nudes aggregator website? Then they are VERY safe for work. Anyway, enjoy. [TMZ]

Ever since Ellen DeGeneres' Oscar hosting gig made group selfies safe for old people, we're likely to see more and more off-beat combinations of celebrities attempting to get in on the fun. This group selfie by Craig Ferguson on the set of Hot in Cleveland is certainly pretty fun, but more importantly it's also proof of life that Betty White is indeed still alive. Phew! Was starting to get worried.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.